A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their freedom. As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, I dont know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize.
Why do women pass less gas than men?
Because women dont keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure!
Un mexicano fanático del equipo de futbol América estaba sentado en la sala de su casa viendo el partido final de la temporada en el que jugaba su equipo favorito contra las Chivas de Guadalajara. De pronto entra su esposa, rezongando y gruñendo, y se para justo entre la televisión y su marido. En ese preciso momento, el delantero central del América iba lanzar un penaltie definitivo.
¡Manuel!, grita ella. Me parece que quieres más al América que a mÃ.
¿Sabes qué?, responde él, fuera de sÃ. ¡En este momento quiero más a las Chivas que a tÃ!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Turnip!
Turnip who?
Turnip the heat its cold in here!
What do you call a boomerang that doesnt work?
A stick.
A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show.
The first candidate walks in, and the boss says, This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?
The guy says, Well damn! You got no ears man!
So the boss yells, Get out!
The second candidate comes in, and the boss says, This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?
The guy says, Thats easy, you got no ears!
So the boss says, Get out!
As the second candidate leaves he sees the third candidate about to go in and says, The boss has no ears so dont say anything about them, cause he is really sensitive about it.
So the third candidate goes in and the boss says, This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What do you notice about me?
The guy says, Your wearing contacts!
And the boss says, Yeah, how did you know?
So the guy replies, Well darn, you cant wear glasses cause you aint got no ears.
Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right…
Kjell Magne Bondevik goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton.
After dinner, Bill says to Kjell Well Kjell, I dont know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant.
How do you know? asks Kjell Magne.
Oh well, its simple, says Bill. They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second. He calls Madeleine Albright over and says to her Tell me Madeleine, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?
Ah, thats simple Mr. President, says Madeleine, it is me!
Well done Madeleine, says Clinton and Kjell Magne Bondevik is very impressed.
Kjell Magne Bondevik returns to Oslo and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in Lars Sponheim and says: Lars, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?
Lars thinks and thinks and doesnt know the answer. Can I think about it a bit further Kjell ? May I let you know tomorrow?
Of course, says Bondevik, youve got 24 hours.
Lars Sponheim goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his team, but no-one knows the answer. 20 hours later, Lars is very worried – still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually Lars Sponheim says Ill ask Gudmund Restad, hes clever, hell know the answer. He calls Restad.
Gudmund, he says, tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?
Very simple, says Gudmund, its me!
Of course says Lars and calls Kjell Magne Bondevik.
Kjell Magne, says Lars, Ive got the answer: its Gudmund Restad.
No you idiot, says Bondevik, its Madeleine Albright.
There was a son of a fireman that wanted to be much like his father. Since he couldnt drive a fire truck, he used his little red wagon, a rope, and his dog. The dog is actually a male. So the kid had his dog pulling him down the road while he was sitting in his wagon. And a neighbor asked the kid, Why dont you tie the rope around the dogs neck? You can go a lot faster. And the kid replied, If I tie the rope around his neck, the siren wont go off!
There were three women who always hang their laundry out in the backyard.
When it rains, of course, the laundry always gets wet – all the laundry,…except for the redheads.The other two women wonder why the redhead never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to the redhead, How come when it rains, your laundry is never out?Well, says the redhead, when I wake up in the morning, I look over at my husband. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know its going to be a great day and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know its going to rain, so I dont hang out the wash.What if it is pointed up? asks one of the women. Honey, says the redhead, on a day like that, you dont do the laundry!