Old and New Jokes

Did you hear about the [ethnic] who couldnt spell?

He spent the night at a warehouse.

…I want to go just like my grandfather – quiet and in my sleep. Not like those other blokes in the back of the car, kicking and screaming.

An Octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town
and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for
the first time to play but was told there wasnt anybody he
could play with because they were already out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.
Finally the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and
would give him a 12 stroke handicap. The 80 year old said,
I really dont need a handicap as I have been playing quite
well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand
traps. And he did play well.

Coming onto the 18th the old man had a long drive, but it
landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Shooting
from the sand trap he hit a very high ball which landed on
the green and rolled into the hole!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was
still standing. He said Nice shot, but I thought you said
you have a problem getting out of sand traps?

I do! replied the Octogenarian, Please give me a hand.

CONCERNING THE ORIGINS OF LOVE

Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin.
Julio, age 9

One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods.
he tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just
couldnt get her away from him … After a while, they became the
first married gods.
Robbie, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has
freckles too.
Andrew, age 6

No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
with how you smell …Thats why perfume and deodorant are so
popular.
Mae, age 9

I think youre supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but
the rest of it isnt supposed to be so painful.
Manuel, age 8

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.
John, age 9

If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I dont
want to do it. It takes too long.
Glenn, age 7

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

If you want to be loved by somebody who isnt already in your
family, it doesnt hurt to be beautiful.
Anita C., age 8

It isnt always just how you look. Look at me. Im handsome like
anything and I havent got anybody to marry me yet.
Brian, age 7

Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.
Christine, age 9

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is
pretty good too.
Greg, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

Mooshy … like puppy dogs … except puppy dogs dont wag their
tails nearly as much.
Arnold, age 10

When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and
they dont get up for at least an hour.
Wendy, age 8

All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit
together in the dark.
Sherm, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

They want to make sure their rings dont fall off because they paid
good money for them.
Gavin, age 8

They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the
aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.
John, age 9

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

Im in favor of love as long as it doesnt happen when Dinosaurs
is on television.
Jill, age 6

Love is foolish … but I still might try it sometime.
Floyd, age 9

Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place … We were behind a
tree.
Carey, age 7

Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. Ive
been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep
finding me.
Dave, age 8

Im not rushing into being in love. Im finding fourth grade hard
enough.
Regina, age 10

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

Sensitivity dont hurt.
Robbie, age 8

One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you
have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.
Ava, age 8

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.
Del, age 6

Shake your hips and hope for the best.
Camille, age 9

Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs … and dont
worry if their parents are right there.
Manuel, age 8

Dont do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention aint the same thing as love.
Alonzo, age 9

One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure its something
she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.
Bart, age 9

She is so blonde that, when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left,” she turned around and went back home.

There are two things I just cant stand, racial prejudice and Negroes.

Everybody lies, but it doesnt matter since
nobody listens.

There were 3 guys, 2 smart ones, and a dumb one. They were all going hunting. The first smart guy went out and came back with a huge grizzly bear. The dumb guy asked him How did you get that huge Grizzly bear? The smart guy said, I followed the tracks, went in the cave and shot the bear. Then the second smart guy went out and came back with a huge black bear. The dumb guy asked him, How did you get that huge black bear? The smart guy said, I followed the tracks, went in the cave, and shot the bear. So the smart guy went out and came back all bloody and cut up. The smart guys said, What happened to you? The dumb guy said, I followed the tracks, went in the cave, and got hit by a train.

This guy enters a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looked like a nice place and he then takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. This is a nice place. Ive never been here before, the first guy says.

Oh really? the other replies, Its also a very special bar.

Why is that? the first guy asks.

Well, you see that painting on the far wall? Thats an original Van Gogh, and this stool Im sitting on was on the Titanic.

Gee, thats amazing! the first guy says.

Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out, youll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and youre pushed back up.

No way, thats impossible, the first guy replies.

Not at all, take a look, the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10… 20… 30… 40… 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

See, its fun. You should try it, he says.

Try it? I dont even believe I saw it! the first man shouts.

Its easy. Watch, Ill do it again. And with that, he falls out the window, again. He drops 10… 20… 30… 40… 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!…he comes right back up and sails back through the window.

Go ahead, give it a try, its a blast! he says.

Well, what the heck, OK…Ill give it a try, the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10… 20… 30… 40… 50… 100 feet and THUMP!!!!… ends up with a broken arm and leg on the sidewalk below.

After calmly watching the first man fall, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, You know, Superman, youre a real jerk when youre drunk!

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as: WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cant remember).WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.