Old and New Jokes

Palm Sunday.

Your momma is so fat, she was swimming in the ocean and all the whales started singing, we are family.

Only chases cars with Illinois license plates
Wags his tail excitedly when theres a Lincoln Day sale at The Wiz
His face is covered with fur, except right under his nose
Two dogs in sunglasses and ear pieces follow him around
Hes the only dog in neighborhood wearing stovepipe muzzle
Damned if he didnt build himself a log cabin doghouse
Your dog loves chicken (a little-known fact – Abraham Lincoln loved chicken)
You ask Miss Cleo whether your dog is possessed by Lincoln, she says, Uh … yes
Always honest about taking a leak on the rug
He hates the theater

Late Show with Letterman; 10/05/01

©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell cause shes got a grenade in her mouth!

This is the one-liner file annual, a collection of the various short jokes,
puns and one liners that didnt excite me enough to be given a posting of
their own, but are still worth reading.

Paraphrased from Global Village News from Nickelodeon:

The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.

Heard on WEEI Boston today:

[A recent survey finds that] 15-to-19-year-olds now have fewer sexual
partners than they did ten years ago.

And you thought they were playing doctors and nurses.

That money talks, Ill not deny.
I heard it once. It said, good-bye.

How did the computer scientist die in the shower?

He read the directions on the shampoo: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

College is a fountain of knowledge… and the students are there to drink.

Think of how much fun you could have with the doctors wife and a
bucket of apples.

Did you hear about the merger between Honeywell and Fairchild? The new
company will be known as: Fairwell Honeychild

[This is original.]

There is a CD out entitled The Worst of Jefferson Airplane. If you
buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back
and demand a refund?

Q: How many ancient Greek mathematicians does it take to replace
a light-bulb?

A: Infinitely many! The first does half the job, the next a quarter,
the third does one-eighth etc.

Q: Whats a polar bear?

A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

Dumb Q: When the heck is Spring break?

Dumb A: Spring break is the time of the year when half the nations coeds are
in two pieces.

From the X-windows xwud(1) man-page…

This is a crude version of a more advanced utility that has never been written.

Jeff Marder told this one on Foxs Comic Strip Live, 3/10/90:

When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?

What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in
the other hand?

One HELL of a moth!!

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but thats not
true. I have the heart of a young boy–in a jar on my desk.

— Stephen King, 3/8/90

The tri stages of sex in marriage–

Tri-weekly
Try-weekly
Try-weakly

Heard on Lenos monologue a few weeks ago:

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Several people on the BITNET RELAY system one night decided that Digital
needs to add a new command to VAX/VMS:

$ SET TIME/DAY=FRIDAY/DATE=BLONDE

What do you call a 300 pound woman in Minnesota?
Anemic.

If people ate what they killed,
there would be NO MORE WARS!

Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so
fast it can photograph an American with his mouth shut!

Reichels Law:

A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by an
outside force. (Carol Reichel)

IBM: It may be slow, but its hard to use.

The price of political assassinations in Eastern Europe
has dropped by a factor of two in recent weeks.

It seems the KGB is going out of business, so theyre
having a liquidation sale.

Heard during Will Dursts routine at Catch a Rising Star…

Whats the difference between a brown-noser and a shithead?

Depth perception.

Q: What does the new movie rating NC-17 stand for?

A: Not in Cincinnati or within 17 miles thereof.

I clipped this Frank and Ernest comic out of the paper about a year ago:

Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. Ever since
they threatened to fire me, Frank replied.

The doctoral candidates creed …

Death before dissertation.

The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like
someone beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it… I
can see why!–Harry Skelton (harry@usrgrp)

Q. What do you call it when someone rubs a Volkswagen van on your head?

A. A Fahrvergnoogie.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master merely stays out
of the way.

A skeleton in the saloon:
One beer and one towel, please !

Definition of sloppy

sloppy: /slopi/,

a) adj, -pier, -piest, 1. muddy, slushy or very wet. 2. week,
silly or maudlin. 3. loose, careless or slovenly.

b) noun, colloq, -s, student living of parents, pre-yuppie stage.
—-
Its much more descriptive than YUPPY, DINKY et.al. [part of the definition
is lifted from The Macquarie]

Definition:-

Spoonerism: Having wrubble with your turds.

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.



The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, How the hell are you able to stay under this deep

without equipment?



The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, IM DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!

What is Rodeo Sex?

Well, its where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her, This is the way your sister likes it too. You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.

REDMOND, WA (API) — MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that the official release date for the new operating system Windows 2000 will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

100 facecloths 25 darning needles any kind of keychain with something _way_ too big to fit in pocket or purse bag of potting mix box of legal size hanging file folders bucket of sand cat door cellophane tape and staples dairy for 1991 exquisitely wrapped house-brick framed photo of Richard Nixon (signed all the best for 73 – Rich) globe hat rack his and hers dishwashing liquid. map of West Brazil mixer (for the non-cooking couple) mobile modern art sculpture (plastic one that resembled pile of poop) nicely wrapped ream of photocopy paper one shoe receipt book salad shooter (this one is a classic 🙂 silver plated yo-yo (my sister got one of these) spice rack step ladder towel/bathrobe with someone elses name on it. towrope triangular prism paperweight (we got one of these)

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

Nobody knows. It has never happened.