Old and New Jokes

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why? they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, I cant stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Gardner goes to see his supervisor in the front office. Boss, he says, were doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff. Were short-handed, Gardner, the boss replies. I cant give you the day off. Thanks boss, says Gardner, I knew I could count on you!

In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:

Lovemaking
Screwing
The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

You should make love to a woman for the first time only after youve both shared:

Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
Your blood-test results
Five tequila slammers

You time your orgasm so that:

Your partner climaxes first
You both climax simultaneously
You dont miss SportsCenter

Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

Healthy, creative love-play
Not the sort of thing your wife would ever agree to
Not the sort of thing your wife need ever find out about

Spending the whole night cuddling a woman youve just had sex with is:

The best part of the experience
The second best part of the experience
$100 extra

Your girlfriend says shes gained five pounds in weight in the last month.
You tell her that it is:

No concern of yours
Not a problem – she can join your gym
A conservative estimate

You think todays sensitive, caring man is:

A myth
An oxymoron
A moron

Foreplay is to sex as:

Appetizer is to entree
Priming is to painting
A long line is to an amusement park ride

Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the
end of a relationship?

I hope we can still be friends.
Im not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone…
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.

A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
Is uptight and a waste of time
Shouldnt have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

Results

If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you
really are a man.
If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy, youre still
a little confused.
If you answered C more than 7 times, call me up – Hard men are good to
find!

4. Honor thy SysOp.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

80. Eat moths.

1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody is horny.

2. In an imaginary world, I really like spending time with you, and Youre cool, mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE cool. In college, it means will you have sex with me?



3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love. In college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.



4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight.



5. In an imaginary world, men arent afraid to admit their feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they respond, Why do you think? Refer to number one for definition.



6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In college its an orgy or pretty close to it.



7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In college, youre lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by . . . or if he does call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.



8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college, cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desparate, and nice guys finish last.



9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it happens every night between drunk strangers, who dont even know each others names.



10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jocelyn, Lynda, Alyssa, Jessica, Cory, Rachel, Heather . . .

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, takeout 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell thepharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up thepaper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack ofpatience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve theirchilds sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it – itll be the last time in your life that you will haveall the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm putthe bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm onfor 3am. As you cant get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songsin the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind thestereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How doesthat look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this – all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and apiece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And dont think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars dont look like that.Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-sizepacket of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walkdown the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that youve had as much as you canstand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small childfor a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intendto have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everythingthe goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabixand attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest intoyour lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street, and Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing, I love you, you love me at work,now you finally qualify as a parent!

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie,
Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.
After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling,
Do you have anything for this?
The lady looked closely at her and replied, Have you tried Clearasil?

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

Oh, my, said the bunny, Im terribly sorry. I didnt mean to hurt you. Ive been blind since birth, so, I cant see where Im going. In fact, since Im also an orphan, I dont even know what I am.

Its quite OK, replied the snake. Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least youll have that going for you.

Oh, that would be wonderful, replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, Well, youre covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. Id say that you must be a bunny rabbit.

Oh, thank you! Thank you, cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way youve helped me. So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, Well, youre scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. Id say you must be either an accountant, or possibly someone in senior management.

There was a professor who was doing experiments with a frog. He was
teaching a frog to jump. The training went on for a while and finally
when he said, Jump! the frog would jump high in the air. He thought
it was time to take some measurements and publish the results.

He started his measurements with a twine, a ruler and a knife. He
placed the frog on a wooden cutting plate and said, jump. It jumped
and he measured the height it jumped. He wrote in his observation
note book: Height jumped (with 4 legs): 14 inches. Inference: None.
Then he cut one of the legs of the frog and said jump. It jumped to
a height of 10 inches. Inference: None. Then he cut the next leg, and
measured the height jumped. Because it had only 2 legs the height
jumped was only 5 inches. The he cut one more leg and the frog now
had only one leg. The height jumped was just 1 inch with one leg.
Again the inference was none. Then he cut the last leg of the frog
and said, jump! It didnt move at all. He wrote his inference in
the note book: When all four legs are removed, frogs go deaf.