Old and New Jokes

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the other man.

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wifes lover:

Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The other man was highly amused by the husbands formal manner and sent the following reply:

Dear Sir, I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your offices auditorium.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pick it up, pull the pin and throw it back.

Why did the blonde have lipstick on her stearing wheel?

She was trying to blow the horn!

This is from the british-cars@alliant.com mailing list.

My SO found this in the July 1990 Readers Digest:
[Ed: I heard it much prior to that, though]

An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light.
Do you have a car phone? its driver asked the guy in the Rolls.

Of course I do, replied the haughty deluxe-car driver.

Well, do you have a fax machine?

The driver in the Rolls sighed. I have that too.

Then do you have a double bed in the back? the Midget driver
wanted to know.

Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a
mechanic install a double bed in his auto.

A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is
parked on the side of the road–back windows fogged up and steam
pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls
and bangs on the Midgets back window until the driver sticks his head
out. I want you to know that I had a double bed installed, brags
the Rolls driver.

The Midget driver is unimpressed. You got me out of the shower to
tell me that?

(–Quoted by David Greason, New York Times News Service)

When youre on a workplace training course, think of it like this:
When you start the course, you are on-course.
When youre in the middle of the course, thats group intercourse.
When youve finished the course, thats when youre off course, of course.

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette all jump off a cliff. Which one

hit the bottom first?

Not the blonde, she needed directions!

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the fountain.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King…
9. …but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that theyre astronaut food.
10. Follow patrons of B. Daltons around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and insist that its a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, You mean you really cant see it?
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17. If youre patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the hidden picture.
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that play only in Spanish.
21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether theres much meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinte

A
salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona
when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip
had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo
man climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously
at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
"If youre wondering whats in the bag,"
offers the salesman, "its a bottle of wine.
I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several
times and says, "Good trade."

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and hell believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it?

Q: How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but hell have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.