Dos borrachines van conduciendo su vehÃculo; un oficial los ve y les ordena:
Párense a la derecha.
Los beodos se estacionan y el oficial se acerca diciéndoles:
Por favor, permiso para conducir.
Uno de los ebrios lo ve y le dice al compañero:
Compadre, muévase que el oficial quiere conducir.
A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was OCCUPIED.
The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the Ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The Buttons were marked WW, WA, PP, and ATR.
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked WW and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, WOW, the women really have it made! Still curious he pressed the button marked WA and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The Button marked PP yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldnt resist the last button marked ATR.
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!
The nurse replied, Yes you were having a great time until you pressed the ATR button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow!
Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances. His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was. The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the morticians continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, I dont care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony. The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, Whatever this cost, Im very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and Im very grateful. How much did you spend? To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services. No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit! she cried. The mortician responded, Honestly, maam, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice… so I switched the heads.
Youre over the hill when …
A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating. The little boy asked his Dad what was happening.
The Father replied, Well, son, theyre making a puppy.
The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position. Confused, the boy asked what were they doing.
The Dad responded very slowly and caringly to his impressionable little boy, Well, son, we are making you a little brother.
The little boy replied, Please turn Mom over, Dad, Id rather have a puppy!
A man comes to an Italian doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window.
What does this have to do with my throat?
Nothing, I just hate the neighbors!
A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.
Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!
Operator: Okay, sir, youre an ambulance!
Theres these three guys who walk into a hotel and ask for three different rooms. The clerk says ok but some people say this place is haunted by a ghosts. Ahh who cares we want some sleep, replied one of them.
so they all got different rooms. the first guy is unpacking his stuff when this ghosts comes ans says Im the ghost of lambourgigi Ill cut of your balls and eat your wenie.
he eats his penis and goes away.
The next guy is unpacking his stuff when the ghost comes and says Im the ghost of lambourgini Ill cut off your balls and eat your winie. And he does it and leaves.
the last guy is unpacking his stuff when the ghost comes and says Im the ghost of lambourgini Ill cut off your balls and eat your winie. the guy replies , well Im the ghost of christmas past touch my balls i kick your ass!
Gardening is just a man trying to improve his lot.
Cromwell and Rasputin
by
as submitted to
Dr. Richard King
The following essay was an actual submission by a student, who was given the assignment: Write a term paper
comparing and contrasting two revolutionary figures of your
choice. The figures are to be selected from different
periods of European history.
Unlike most papers of student bloopers, which are collaborative
efforts, this one is the work of the exceptionally fruitful pen
of a single student. Read it and enjoy!
The English and the Russian revolutions had a leader
that stood out to have an effect on the revolution. For the
Russian it was Rasputin. He was born in the reign of the
Tsar-Emperor Alexander the Second, absolute ruler of over a
hundred million people consisting of fifty some nationalities
and speaking nearly two-hundred-different languages or
dialects. This empire stretched from the Prussian border to
beyond the Pacific Ocean. Rasputin was an Autocrat who
ruled by himself. He was free to appoint and dismiss ministers
as he pleased. Then theirs Oliver Cromwell, a man who
stood for the commission of the unthinkable act, the execution
of the king, should have pushed the Commonwealth and
its leaders into further international isolation. These
were some of the issues that Oliver Cromwell drived for in
the English Revolution. Cromwell was dominant political
figure from 1649 to 1658. He had lead the attack on the
king and had many followers and support. These twoffigures,
Rasputin and Oliver Cromwell, ha had great emphasis on the
outcome of their revolutions (Russian and English). Lets
look at some similarities and differences on how they ruled
their reign of power.
Cromwell was a careful figure who ruled intil his death
in 1658. He lead an organization of parliament forces of
centralized army called the new model army. Cromwell was an
independent so he was frightened of parliament changing
religion. Cromwell had faith in his reign, he believed that
Parliament couldnt win the civil war if they didnt try
someting different.
Rasputin was also a careful and powerful leader. When
Nicholas went to the front to take personal command of the
army, his wife Alexandra took over government affairs and
relied on Rasputin almost completely. So Rasputin also controlled
an army and became a successful leader. Although he
was killed by the people, it was because of the sake of the
people in Russia. They felt that he was discrediting Nicholas
II. Rasputin was such a key role in ruling the army,
Alexandra went into shock because of the death of Rasputin.
Oliver Cromwell was born in 1599. He immediately took
interest in public affairs. After he had become an undergraduate
at Cambridge, his father fied which brought him
back home to take care of his mother and the family. He
also took over his fathers business which was the management
of land. Later he had experienced a change of religion to
the Puritan side. He was respected so much by his neighbours
from his management of land, that they choose him to
represent Huntington in the Parliament which described
itself by the Petition of Right. Cromwell, however, was
known to have interest in religion before politics. He had
never really been able to hankle constitutional questions,
and was opposite as a whole to them.
Rasputin, however, was also a very religious man. He
went to early mass at six oclock in the morning at Afonskoe
Podvorie. He was so admirred, that on the way back from
mass there would be a crowd of followers behind him, who
accompanied him into the dining room for breakfast. Among
these guests were petitioners who arrived around eight
oclock. Rasputin was always called upon by Tsarskoe Selo
at ten oclock, even thought he was usually sleeping by this
time. A secret came out that Rasputin was prepared to carry
out various transactions, arrange reals of military services,
get sentences of imprisonment released, or dispose of
the granting of concessions. While known that Rasputin was
open for bribes, also took into consideration the help of
petitioners who came to him with nothing.
These two leaders, and their different personalities
make them both uneque. These two leaders had great effect
on the outcome of their revolutions. Even though their
techneques were not exactly alike they had similarities in
their personal behavior and their beliefs. These two figures
reigned at two different times and are also two different people
in most respects.