Old and New Jokes

Q: How do you know that a blonde sent you a fax?



A: It has a stamp on it.

For years n years they told me,

Be careful of your breasts.

Dont ever squeeze or bruise them,

And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings

And protected them by law

Guarded them very carefully,

An always wore a bra.

After thirty years of careful care,

The doctor found a lump,

He ordered up a Mammogram

To look inside that clump.

Stand up very close, she said,

As she got my tit in line,

And tell me when it hurts, she said,

Ah, yes! There! Thats just fine.

She stepped upon a pedal …

I could not believe my eyes!

A plastic plate was pressing down …

My boob was in a vise!!!

My skin was stretched n stretched

From way up by my chin,

And my poor tit was being squeezed

To Swedish pancake thin!!!

Excruciating pain I felt,

Within its vise-like grip,

A prisoner in this vicious thing,

My poor defenseless tit!!

Take a deep breath she said to me

Who does she think shes kidding?

My chest is smashed in her machine,

I cant breathe and woozy I am getting.

There, that was good, I heard her say

As the room was slowly swaying.

Now lets get the other one.

Lord, have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down,

It squeezed me from both sides,

Ill bet shes never had this done

To her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,

I surely have one now …

If there had been a cyst in there,

It would have popped – Ker-pow!!

This machine was made by a man,

Of this I have no doubt.

Id like to get his balls in there,

For months hed go without!!

— Author Unknown

Relayed-From: diamond@jit533.swstokyo.dec.com (Norman Diamond)

In article <…> brent@uwovax.uwo.ca (Brent Sterner) writes:

So the next time someone tells you your cheque (Canadianism) is in the mail,
you just might think about believing it.

The spelling of cheque is an Englishism. The fact that its been in the
mail for the last 8 years and hasnt arrived yet, thats a Canadianism.

One Saturday morning, Glen decided to go fishing.

He sat there for hours,but nothing. The bottle whiskey that heve took with him,was also empty. He throw the empty bottle into pieces against a nearby rock.

All of a sudden, there was something on the hook. He pulled the fish out of the water. The only fish for the day so far. The fish was so small, Glen decided to throw it back.

The little fish was so exited, to such an extend, that it decided to give Glen one wish.

He asked the little fish for some more whiskey. The fish said, Allright then, when youre urinating, it will be pure whiskey.

So Glen sat there, and wonder, can this really be? Glen took a glass and urinate in it. It was pure, pure whiskey.

A while later, a women, who was standing nearby, comes to him and asks, sir are you allright? I saw you drinking your own piss.

No, said Glen, its whiskey.

The women laughed. He urinate into the glass, and gave it to her. She couldnt believe it.

So they sat there almost for the rest of the day, drinking whiskey.

After about the seventh double, she asks Glen for a nother one. He looked her in the eye, throw the glass into pieces against the rock and said What about drinking out of the bottle?

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need.BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Maryann died and went to heaven. St. Peter met her at the gate.

He said: Maryann, because you have been such a good person on earth, you are granted 3 wishes before you enter the gates of heaven.

Maryann: Oh, St. Peter, I only have one question I would like to ask the Blessed Mother.

St Peter nodded approval and took her to the Blessed Virgin Mary.

When Maryann got there she said: Blessed Mother, I was always wondering, what was it like knowing your Son would become God, what would you have liked him to be?

The Blessed Mother answered: To tell the troothh, I vanted him to be a dokterr!

A man took his Dobermann to the vet and said, My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do? Well, said the vet, lets have a look at him. So he picked up the dog by the ears and had a good look at its eyes. Well, said the vet, Im going to have to put him down. What? Just because hes cross-eyed?! exclaimed the man. No, because hes heavy.

¡Pienso hablar seriamente con mi mujer y le diré que a partir de mañana compartiremos los deberes de la casa!

¡Vaya! eres un marido considerado.

¡No, lo que pasa es que yo no puedo con todo!

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.

The second Catholic woman chirps, My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Grace.



The third Catholic woman says smugly, My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Eminence.



The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.



The first three women give her this subtle Well…?



She replies, My son is a gorgeous, 62, hard-bodied stripper………… Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Oh my God….

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ima!
Ima who?
Ima girl who cant say no…!