21
May

A fire engine joke

A mighty fire had been raging at a Texas oil refinery. Fire engines from all around had tried in vain to get close enough to the fierce blaze to put it out, but the heat was so intense that no one could even get near the burning oil and gas. Hundreds of fire trucks from far and wide had been called and now they all just sat wondering what to do.

Suddenly, an old fire engine from a tiny fire company appeared in the distance. It was the only truck from a tiny town and had been driving all night in response to this alarm. To the amazement of all of the firemen, the tiny truck sped right past the other fire engines and came to a leisurely halt right at the base of the fire. The men in the tiny truck leaped out, doused themselves with water from their own hoses, and proceeded to extinguish the fire.

The next dat at an awards ceremony for the 6 heoic men of the tiny fire company, the Governor presented the fire chief with a check for $20,000.

What do you think your fire company will do with such a large amount of money?, asked the Governor.

Well, replied the old fire chief, the first thing were gonna do with it is fix the brakes on that old truck!

21
May

You might be a redneck if…

You might be a redneck if…
Your wifes best shoes have steel toes.

21
May

Oath of Silence

Heard this from a friend:

A middle-class man decides to go off and join a monastery which
requires an oath of silence. No speech is allowed except for
two words every 5 years, to sum up ones experiences to the head
monk.

After the first 5 years, the monk asked him what two words described
his experiences and all he said was HARD BEDS.

When the next 5 year period came, the monk asked how things were
and he replied BAD FOOD.

After 5 more years, he walked up to the monk and said, I QUIT!

The monk nodded and muttered Yes, this doesnt surprise me.
Youve been doing nothing but complaining for the past 15 years!

[Ed: Reportedly part of Gary Mulederes act.]

21
May

Bouncer

Q. How many bouncers does it take to throw someone down the stairs?

A. None! He fell.

21
May

Kangaroo Sleepovers

A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, These sleepovers are killing me!

21
May

Grizzly Bear Warning

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin…

"Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that arent expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

20
May

Redneck Jedi

You might be a redneck Jedi if…

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniels.

You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok… without using the word chicken.

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.

A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.

Your master ever said My finger you will pull..hmmm?

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didnt have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

Your father has ever said to you, Shoot, son come on over t the dark side.. .itll be a hoot.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.

The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks cant find it.

You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home.

You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.

More than half the droids you own dont function.

The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.

You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married.

You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.

Your moonshine is made on a real moon.

You dont like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.

Sandpeople back down from your mama.

Youve ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.

Youve ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.

You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.

Youve ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.

A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave.

You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber.

You dont think the Ewoks are primitive.

You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.

You dont think Jabbas pig guards have a hygiene problem.

The Rancor monster refused to eat you.

20
May

Este era un lorito muy

Este era un lorito muy tirón, y todos los días se cogía a los animales de la tienda donde se encontraban, hasta que un día una señora lo decide comprar.

La señora tenía una gata, y todos los días al llegar a la casa veía a la gata toda exhausta, y decía: Ohhhh se han cogido a la gata.

Así pasó una semana, hasta que tomó al loro y le dijo: ¡Si mañana te coges a la gata te encierro en el refrigerador!

Al día siguiente la gata estaba cogida otra vez y la mujer encerró al loro en el refrigerador. Pasaron tres dias, y se acordó del loro, y cuando abre la puerta del refrigerador ve al loro todo sudado y éste le dice:

¡COÑO, ESE POLLO SI QUE TIENE EL CULO DURO!

20
May

The Ocotpus!

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender give us two beers over here!



The bartender walks over and sees the octopus and he says, Didnt you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!



The man says to the bartender, oh but you dont understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.



The bartender replied back, well Ill tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!



The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.



The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. Hes so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!



The bartender was amazed and says, alright lets try one more.

This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says lets see him play this!



The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.



The bartender shouted out See I knew he couldnt play all these instruments!



And the man replies, Just give him a few more minutes…

as soon as he figures out he cant have sex with it, hell play it!

20
May

The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy – Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldnt have

Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,

doormat

Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly

Disadvantages: May wise up someday



Old Yeller – You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a

bitch! Cant you see youre making me miserable??

Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell

Advantages: Pays attention to you

Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans



Sickly – Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite

Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy

Advantages: Predictable

Disadvantages: Contagious



The Bosser – Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.

Change your job. Make some money. Dont give me that look.

Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes,

Mom

Advantages: Often right

Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?



Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – I just cant decide. Should I switch my career,

goals, home, and hair color?

Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw cmon Honey

Advantages: Easily soothed

Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed



Wild Woman out of Control – Ive got an idea. Lez get drunk an make love

onna front lawn. I done it before. Sfun.

Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out

Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys

Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs



Huffy – I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering

at

Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,

iceberg, Snarly

Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you

Disadvantages: You will have no friends



Woman from Mars – I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel

about our relationship

Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,

Artistic

Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable

Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud



Ms. Dreamgirl – I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my

handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love

like crazed weasels now

Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous

Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited

Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you