Old and New Jokes

I work at the Help Desk at TCU, and as you can imagine the phones are quite busy to say the least.

One day I received this call from one of the students here asking if I had ever fingered someone.

This call totally caught me off guard, and I thought for sure it was a call from one of the fraternities on campus. I asked the student to repeat the question as I was sure I had misunderstood the question. He again asked if I had ever fingered someone.

I then laughed out loud, thinking this was a prank, another Lets get the Help Desk type of prank.

I said to the caller, arent you getting a little personal?

He then said, No, no, this is a command that is used on the VAX system.

Boy did I get egg on my face that time. I did learn a lesson however, never assume the question being asked is how it sounds, as some things do have double meanings.

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was
reading the ads in the paper.

He looked up and said, Here is a great sale on tires!

His wife replied, What do you want tires for? You dont have a car.

He came back with, I dont complain when you go out and buy a new bra!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Minerva!
Minerva who?
Minerva-s wreck from all these questions!

Briens First Law: At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.

Goebels Law Of Product Introductions: A future product release date does not say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you dont have a chance of seeing it before that time.

Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldnt expect tentacles to be growing from.
You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
Youre always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
You laugh out loud during funerals.
When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out RAPE! RAPE!
Nobody listens to you anymore, because they cant understand you through that scuba mask.
You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass youve stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
Your father pretends you dont exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
You collect dead windowsill flies.
Everytime the phone rings, you shout, Hey! An angel just got its wings!
You like cats. Especially with mayo.
You scream Ive got a knife! to people who try to sell you things.
You scream Ive got a knife! to people at your family reunion.
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligans Island, because they werent rescued.
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if theyll hatch.
Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him its for security reasons.
Melba toast excites you.
When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because the napkins have ears.
You tend to agree with everything your mothers dead uncle tells you.
Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, I think Ill kill the pope today.
You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
Nearly everything you say involves the word, P-toing!
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that youre a stalk.
You think that exploding wouldnt be so bad, once you got used to it.
You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity.
People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

*** Actual bloopers Doctors have written on patient charts. ***

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patients past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Since she cant get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

14. She is numb from her toes down.

15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

16. The skin was moist and dry.

17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.

22. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

23. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

24. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says
to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen
year old son about the birds and the bees.

So the father goes to his sons room and says, Son, do you remember that
session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?

Oh yes papa, I remember very well, says the son.

Well son, it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the
same thing.

This paper has been sent to you for good luck. The original has been worn out from having passed through the hands of so many people. It had travelled around the world 70 times

[Dear Reader: please help keep this count current. If this letter falls into your hands after just completing one more circuit of the world, please add one to the count.]

The luck has now been sent to you. You will experience great sex within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on! Since the copy must tour the world, you must make twenty copies and send them to others.

This is no joke. Send no money.

Send copies to people who need to get laid within 96 hours.

After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of ograsms of his life.

John Elliot tried to pick up a prositute, but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his neighbours.

In a suburb of Paris, Don Lorays trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms for the price of one. (was this the consolation prize?)

Do note the following:

Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had every paid her at work.

General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the street. When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view. His aide, Colonel ger Bumswiver, who did not pass on the letter, tried to pick up a similar object but was fucked up the ass by a desperate gay when he bent over.

Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed twenty copies. A few days later he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon for all these years!

Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot coffee in his crotch.

In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis.

You must distribute at least twenty copies within 96 hours of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more fulfilling.

Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices.

You might be a redneck if…
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.