Old and New Jokes

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of
his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video
of his wifes activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down
together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional,
the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them
laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor
cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and
his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

I just cant believe this, the distraught husband said.

The detective said, Whats not to believe? Its right up there on the
screen!

The husband replied, I cant believe that my wife could be so much
fun!

Two proctologists are discussing their most baffling cases.

One proctologist tells the other one about the time he put his hand into a patient and pulled out a large bouquet of flowers.

The other proctologist looked really amazed and asked, Where did those flowers come from?

The other proctologist answered very cooly, How should I know. There wasnt any card!!

One day a man decided to geta tattoo on his penis, his wife asked

were have u been all day, he said to get a tattoo on his penis. The

wife asked why? He said so u can stay home and blow money!!

• Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
• 21% of us dont make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
• Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
• 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
• 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).
• 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
• 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offsprings homework.
• 91% of us lie regularly.
• 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
• 29% admit theyve intentionally stolen something from a store.
• 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
• 90% believe in divine retribution.
• 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
• 82% believe in an afterlife.
• 45% believe in ghosts.
• 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
• 29% of us are virgins when we marry.
• 58.4% have called into work sick when we werent.
• 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
• Over 50% believe in spanking, but only a child over 2 years old.
• 35% give to charity at least once a month.
• How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
• 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
• When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
• 85% of us will eat Spam this year.
• 70% of us drink orange juice daily.
• Snickers is the most popular candy.
• 22% of us skip lunch daily.
• 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
• 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
• 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
• 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
• Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
• 45% use mouthwash every day.
• 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
• The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
• Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
• 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
• 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
• 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
• 62% of us pop our zits.
• 33% of women lie about their weight.
• 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
• 57% have had deja vu.
• 49% believe in ESP.
• 44% have broken a bone.
• Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
• 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
• 15% regularly go to a shrink.
• 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
• 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after theyve used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.
• 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
• 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
• 23.5% admit they dont always flush.
• 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while theyre using the toilet.
• 39% of us peek in our hosts bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
• 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
• 29% of us ignore RSVP.
• 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
• 22% are functionally illiterate.
• The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
• 85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
• Less than 10% are trilingual.
• 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
• 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
• 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
• 2 out of 3 of us wouldnt give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.
• 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
• 40% of us have had music lessons.
• 44% reuse tinfoil.
• 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
• 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
• 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
• 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
• 59% of us say were average-looking.
• 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
• 53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers.
• 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
• On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
• 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
• 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
• The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
• Only 4% asked the parents approval for their brides hand.
• 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
• 6% proposed over the phone.
• 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
• 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.
• 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
• 1/3 of us dont wear seat belts.
• 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
• 56% of women never use their car blinkers.
• 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
• 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

From Harpers Index
Received from William Conway.

A woman is riding a bus in the Midwest, when a man gets on the bus and sits down next to her. Hes wearing a black hat, long black coat, black slacks and shoes, and he has a long curly dark beard.

The woman looks at him disgustedly. Jews like you, she hisses at him.

He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, I beg your pardon, madam?

She says, Look at you. All in black, a beard, never take off your hat! Its Jews like you that give the rest of us a bad name.

He says calmly, I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish. Im Amish.

The woman looks back and smiles, How nice. Youve kept your customs.

Then there was the insomniac prowler who was convicted of resisting a rest…

Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that
God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal
was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary,
claimed that she had given birth to Gods only son last
week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to
Mary claim that she had loved God for a long time, that
she was constantly talking about her relationship with God,
and that she was thrilled to have had his child.

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement
denial, saying that No sexual relationship existed, and
that the facts of this story will come out in time,
verily.

Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a
brief with the Justice department to expand his
investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments
may have been broken, and whether God had illegally
funnelled laundered money to his illegitimate child through
three foreign operatives know only as the Wise Men.

Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are
rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics
have pointed out that these allegations have little to do
with the charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed to
investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in
order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.

In recent months, Beazulbubs investigation has already been
expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of
locusts that plagued Gods political opponents in the last
election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the
cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away
from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of
public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest
group was quid pro quo for political contributions. If these
allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow
to Gods career, much of which has been spent crusading for
stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for
wrongdoers.

Indeed, God recently outlined a tough-on-crime plan
consisting of a series of 10 Commandments, which has been
introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of
the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for
the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU
are planning to fight the Name in Vain Commandment as
being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?

A: More leg room.

I believe Men and Fish can coexist together peacfully.

I support Latino owned buisnesses, women owned buisnesses, and every other kind of person owned buisnesses.