Old and New Jokes

The Geography of a Woman

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Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blairs a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

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Between the ages of 15 – 70 a man is like Zimbabwe – ruled by a dick.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL
C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN

(A friend of mine says this is original. For more information, call the
Bobdo BBS at 215-386-0350.)

Did you hear–theyre coming out with a new Catholic edition of Playboy?

It has the same centerfold as the regular edition, but you have to pull it
out at just the right moment.

There was once a couple in their seventies who, nevertheless, had a baby. Of course the newspaper sent out a reporter to take and picture and write a story about this unusual event, but when he arrived the couple told him that he would have to wait until the baby woke up before taking the picture.

Meanwhile the local radio station sent out a crew to get a story of the baby and his elderly parents. They, too, were told that they would have to wait until the baby woke up before they could see the baby.

The news of this miraculuous event had, meanwhile, spread far and wide, and CNN news sent a crew to get a story and take pictures of the baby and his parents. This crew, also, was told that they would have to wait for the baby to wake up before they could take pictures.

Then one of the group asked why they would have to wait; surely they could see and take pictures of the baby even if he were asleed. Well, the parents said, you will have to wait until the baby wakes up and cries, because we have forgotten where we put him.

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, I gotta have you!

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her.

He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, That was the best, honey. Youve never moved like that before, you didnt hurt yourself did you?

His wife replies, No, no. Ill be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass.

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.

One of the men walked into the office and said, We need some four-by-twos.



The clerk asked, You mean two-by-fours, dont you?

The man said, Ill go check, and went back to the truck.



He returned shortly and said, Yeah, I meant two-by-four.

All right. How long do you need them?



The customer paused for a moment and said, Id better go check.



After a while, he returned to the office and said, –

A long time. Were gonna build a house…

Mary had a little lamb


Her father shot it dead,


Now she takes it to school


Between two slices of bread.

A guys driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying Apples – $

5.00 each. He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see whats up.

He goes up to the farmer and says, Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each? The farmer replies, They are peanut butter and jelly apples. The farmer hands him one and says, Here, try one.

So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, Peanut butter – thats great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples.

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims son of a gun – jelly! The man says, These apples are great – give me some!

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign Apples – $10 each. Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, Hey, whats up with these apples?

The farmer says, Theyre ham and cheese apples. Here, try one.

The guy takes a bit and exclaims, Son of a gun – ham! The guy then says, Let me guess – I have to turn it around.

The farmer says You got it. The guy bites the other side and says, Cheese. Again the man says, These apples are great – give me some.

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says Apples – $50 each. The guy really wants to see whats up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, Whats the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?

The farmer tells him that These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one.

The guy takes a bite out of it and says, Yuck! This apple tastes like shit!

The farmer says, Turn it around!

Smiles (there is a mile between the two Ss)