Old and New Jokes

Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows?

It took him six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?

A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

Global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary.

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic plant, providing savings in maintenance costs.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during the working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually expand the number of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability study proved that using illegal migratory fowl is extremely profitable as it eliminates the companys need to provide employee benefits because the hens do not meet federal residency requirements.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. Once this information is determined, the Accounting Department will deduct the costs of any inappropriate non-business calls from their final paycheck.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of their decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by the Personnel Department will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes to better enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-motoring.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Let me hasten to add that the company policy prohibits age discrimination. Should these individuals be asked to leave prior to their voluntary retirement, rest assured our Law Department will ensure an ironclad defense against an employee lawsuit.

Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, significant savings should result due to the number of congressmen left unemployed by the election.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings to the bottom line.

Though incomplete, studies by our latest consultant indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop-ship in one day, service levels will be improved and we can expect a substantial reduction in the use of part-time personnel.

Happy Holidays!

Santas Workshop Inc., a Limited Liability Partnership Corporation

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

So, did you jump? the father asked.

Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!

Is that when you jumped? asked the father.

Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.

Did you jump then? asked the father.

Im getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or hed kick my ass.

So, did you jump?

Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, Boy, are you gonna jump or not?

I said, No, sir. Im too scared.

So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!

He said, Boy, either you jump out that door, or Im sticking this little baby up your ass.

So, did you jump? asked the father.

Well, a little, at first.

All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

edJoe took his blonde blind date to a seaside carnival.

What would you like to do first, Kim? asked Joe.

I want to get weighed, she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser, who guessed 70 kg. Kim got on the scale and it read 67 kg and she won a prize. .

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over,
Joe again asked Kim what she wanted to do next.

I want to get weighed, she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went and because shed been there before the man guessed Kims correct weight and Joe lost his dollar.

Kim and Joe walked around the carnival and again he asked,
Where to next?

Kim responded: I want to get weighed, but by this time Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her flatmate, Laura, asked Kim about her blind date, Howd it go? she asked.

Kim said, Oh, Waura, it was wousy.

Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister.

Well, Sean replied, between you and me we got em all.

Bouchers Observation: He who blows his own horn always plays the music several octaves higher than originally written.

How do you put six elephants in a Volkswagen?

…Three in front and three in back…

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.