Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to bill the government for the house.

Va una familia de Tontilandeses en su automóvil, y la madre va enseñando a manejar a su hija menor de edad. De pronto, un policía lo nota y se le acerca a la joven diciendo:

¡Déme ahora mismo su permiso para conducir!

Mientras la chica se le queda mirando como tonta, la madre dice:

Hija, hazte a un lado porque el señor quiere manejar

The Associated Press: A man shouting freedom and liberty for all set himself on fire in a suburban shopping mall Friday and hurled flaming objects at shoppers…
– Friday, November 23, 2001

You warned them youd do it if they opened up a sixth Starbucks.

Line for Santa is like two hours long.

Chilly.

Been searching for 45 minutes for your car in the garage and you just dont know where the hell it is.

Compared to walking around while your wife looks at cups for another hour, its bliss.

Cant find a chair.

Want to prove to your idiot friend that the combo fire extinguisher / martini mixer for sale in that stupid gadget store simply wont work.

You just lifted four CDs from Coconuts and you sense mall security closing in – and those bastards wont take you alive.

It was either that or let them force you to eat one of them disgusting Cinnabons.

Swallowed all bin Ladens crap about them 82 virgins.

You put on too much Obsession, lit a cigarette, and – poof!

(c) Daily Wonk Lists 2001

Right where you left it

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster – one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. Henry, he said, Im counting on you to do your stuff. And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didnt stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, Stop, Henry, youll kill yourself. But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, Oh you poor thing, look what you did, youve gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.

Shhhhh, Henry whispered, The buzzard is getting closer.

Two
Pakistanian guys wanted to become more American. The
first guy decides to make a bet to see who can become
the most American after one year.
One year later, the two guys meet. The first guy
says, "I drive a Cheverolet Truck, my son plays
baseball for the school, I own a house in a respectable
neighborhood, and I drink Budweiser." The other
guys says, "Fuck you, Towelhead!"

Se muere Marx y se va al infierno. A los tres dias sube el demonio a ver a San Pedro.

¡Coño Botero, que mala cara traes!

No me hables, macho, que me han mandao a un tal Marx, y ya no hay quien haga nada en el infierno. El tío ha montao una revolución, con manifestaciones, huelgas… para que te voy a contar.

Oye, pues mándamelo pacá unas semanas, a ver si se calman las cosas ahí abajo.

Pedro, macho, me has salvao la vida. Esta tarde te lo mando.

A las 3 semanas vuelve a subir Lucifer.

Que, ¿cómo os va con el Marx ese que os mandé?

Ah, perfecto, macho, el tío se ha integrado aquí como nadie. Ha echo amigos con los ángeles, con los santos…

El demonio, sorprendido dice:

Pero… pero… ¿y que dice Cristo a todo esto?

¡Uy! Cristo y Marx son íntimos, como uña y carne, siempre juntos discutiendo problemas filosóficos…

El demonio no da credito a lo que oye, y pregunta:

Pero bueno, ¿y Dios que dice a todo esto?

¿Dios…? ¿Dios…? ¡Pero si Dios no existe!

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed (again).



DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.



DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was … Hmmm. Not working according to plan .



DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called shampoo. What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.



DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call beer. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.



DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Yo mama so fat that she is the one who created potholes.

With apologies to Mr. Roosevelt, good advice for young investor of today is, Walk softly, but carry a big portfolio.