Old and New Jokes

How do blondes braincells die??

-Alone-

If youve got melted chocolate all over your hands, youre eating it far too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. Itll take the edge off your appetite and youll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Dont they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
Put eat chocolate at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least youll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isnt that handy?
If you cant eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you cant eat all your chocolate, whats wrong with you?

Whats the difference between a schlomozel and a schlemeil?

A schlomozel is the guy who walks past a second floor window-ledge and knocks the flower pot off..

A schlemeil is the guy walking underneath….

Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.

A wife asked her husband, Honey, if I died would you remarry?

After a considerable period of griveing, I guess I would. We all need companionship.

If I died and you remarried, the wife asked, would she live in this house?

Weve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. Im not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would. yes.

If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house, the wife continued, would she sleep in our bed?

Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us over two thousand dollars. Its going to last a long time, so I guess she would.

If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house and she slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?

Oh, no, the husband replied. Shes left-handed.

A: A space invader.

A boy hadnt said a word for the first thirteen years of his life. One day at dinner he suddenly announced, This hamburger is cold.

His parents were shocked. Why did you wait so long to talk? they asked.

Well, he said, up until now, everythings been okay.

Una mujer va al ginecólogo y éste le pregunta:

¿Qué problema tiene señora?

El mío es un problema muy extraño y muy difícil de explicar. Resulta que cada vez que hago el amor con mi marido me sale una mancha gris en el coño que, curiosamente, se me quita cada vez que me ducho.

Pues sí que es raro lo suyo. La verdad es que nunca me había enfrentado a un caso así. Creo que la mejor forma para resolverlo es que venga usted mañana, después de haber hecho el amor con su marido, y le examine yo mismo la mancha de la que me habla.

Dicho y hecho, al otro día la mujer se presenta en la consulta, y el ginecólogo comienza a examinarle la mancha.

Tras unos segundos de observación, el doctor le pregunta a la paciente:

¡Joder! Creo que ya se lo que le pasa. ¿Por casualidad no será su marido carpintero?

Pues sí doctor.

¡Pues dígale a su marido que cuando la coma el coño se quite el lápiz de la oreja!

How do you know when a blondes been sending e-mail? Envelopes in the disk drive.