What does walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and having an 80 year old woman give you a blow job have in common?
You just have to remember one thing…
Dont look down!!
05
Sep
05
Sep
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother wont
let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs
to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. First, you must wear a
diaphragm. Cinderella agrees. Whats the second condition?
You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn
into a pumpkin. Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed
hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesnt show up. Finally, at 5 a.m.,
Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. Where
have you been? demands the fairygodmother. Your diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!
I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.
I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!
I cant remember, exactly …Peter Peter,something or other….
05
Sep
A WOMENS PERSPECTIVE
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men arent affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why dont men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show hes planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns dont talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks hes Gods gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
Theyre hard to get started, emit foul odors, and dont work half the time.
Whats the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when its getting interesting, theyre finished until next time.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts dont have eyes.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women
Whats the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
Theyre both empty from the neck up.
A MANS PERSPECTIVE
Why do men like love at first sight?
Because he knows its all over as soon as she opens her mouth.
A woman of5 thinks of having children. What does a man of5 think of?
How much his wife has begun to resemble Morly Safer.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
Their target audience is women.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A mute nymphomanic 8 year old girlfriend.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
Penis envy.
Why do women have mid-life crises?
Because Phil and Oprah say theyre supposed to.
How does a woman show shes planning for the future?
Plastic Surgury.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
Sex, stupid.
What do you do with a 40 year old woman who thinks shes Gods gift?
Trade her in for two 20 year olds.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Because theyre so rare.
Whats the difference between a wife and a job.
After 5 years, the job still sucks.
Why is sleeping with a woman like a soap opera?
Cause its the same tired old plot, year in and year out.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Theyre trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
Biographies of Happy women
Whats the difference between men and government bonds?
None, theyre both the same, steadily increasing in value, predictable and vastly undervalued by people who dont understand them.
05
Sep
The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word dog in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix dog.
Steven raised his hand and said, Sure, Miss Jones, a collie-flower!
05
Sep
Why was the million man march so successful?
Only two people had to get off work.
05
Sep
How to Annoy People at Work
1)Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch
paper, 99 copies. 2)Practice making fax and modem noises. 3)During
meetings, disassemble your pen and accidentaly flip the cartridge
across the room. 4)Staple papers in the middle of the page. 5)ALWAYS
TYPE WITH CAPS-LOCK ON 6)type only in lower case.
7)dontuseanypunctuationorspaceseither 8)While making presentations,
occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 9)In the memo field of
all your checks, write for sensual massage. 10)Ask your co-workers
mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook.
Mutter something about psychological profiles.
05
Sep
Kid to teacher: I know the answer, but I cant quite download it.
Kid, walking away in protest: They get to play with their remote car on mars, and I cant play with mine in the street!
Kid to kid: God invented time to keep everything from happening at once.
Dad to kid: Whats the magic word to get what you want?
Kid: Grandma!
04
Sep
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
HELP WANTED Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, I cant hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, The sign says you have to be good with a computer.
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still cant give you the job.
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, Meow.
04
Sep
El director de un manicomio estaba examinando a sus pacientes para averiguar cuáles estaban listos para volver a la comunidad.
Señor Mendoza, el doctor le dice a uno de sus pacientes, veo que han recomendado que le dé de alta ¿Qué cree que va hacer si es que le dejamos ir?
El paciente se lo piensa un rato, y luego responde: Bueno, fui ingeniero en mecánica. Parece ser que es una carrera con salida y puedo ganar bastante dinero. Por otra parte, he pensado escribir una novela sobre mis experiencias aquà en este hospital, lo que es ser paciente aquÃ. Puede que sea interesante. También pensé volver a la escuela a estudiar historia del arte, que es un tema que me interesa mucho.
El Director asiente con la cabeza y dice, SÃ, me parecen empresas muy interesantes.
El paciente responde:
Y lo mejor es que en el tiempo que tenga libre puedo seguir siendo una cafetera.
04
Sep
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters UFO were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
Do you realize what just happened? the station owner finally uttered.
Yeah, said the blonde attendant. So?
Didnt you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!
Yeah, repeated the blonde. So?
Didnt you see the letters UFO on the side of that vehicle?!
Yeah, repeated the blonde attendant. So?
Dont you know what UFO means?!
The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. Good grief, boss! Ive been working here for five years. Of course I know what UFO means – ….it means Unleaded Fuel Only.