Old and New Jokes

En cierto pueblo hay una familia pelirroja, y un día la madre da a luz y el niño resulta ser rubio. El padre, se cabrea cantidad y va a ver al único hombre rubio del pueblo.

Hombre, Cornelio, ¿qué tal, ya ha parido tu mujer?

Mira, no me hables, que vengo con un cabreo. ¿Sabes que el niño ha salido rubio?

¡Bueno, pero hombre, no te precipites! La naturaleza a veces juega unas bromas muy raras; mira, sin ir mas lejos, ahí tienes el rebaño de cabras del Eulogio, todas ellas son amarronadas, excepto una, que es completamente parda.

El padre se queda paralizado por un momento, y luego dice:

Mira, vamos a hacer un trato. Yo no le digo nada a nadie de mi hijo, y tú no le dices nada a nadie de la cabra.

A blonde went to the appliance storesale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we dont sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buythis TV." "Sorry, we dont sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn,he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time;haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before sheagain approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry,we dont sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do youknow Im a blonde?" "Because thats a microwave," he replied.

A blonde walks on an elevator and there is 1 other man on there and the blonde says T.G.I.F. and the man replied S.H.I.T. then they argued about the words and finally the blonde says thank gosh its friday and the man replies sorry hun its thursday.

There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a combined strike force with troops from several nations included in it.

Could it work? Lets take a look at one operation.

A combined force beach landing on a tropical island. When the troops hit the beach.

The Royal Marines go fishing.

The US Marines wait for CNN to arrive.

The French dont care whose beach it is; its French territory now!

The Canadians watch the Americans very closely, then offer to guard their landing strip.

The Dutch have a beach party and smoke some dope saying the English dont understand them.

The Italians go sunbathing.

The Germans land and build a car factory.

The West Indians go looking for the Dutch.

The Austrians just watch the Russians and Germans.

The Chinese win the natives hearts and minds then kill them.

The SEALs arrive after dark and kill anyone who is not a SEAL.

The Aussies and Kiwis land then start fighting each other over a sheep.

The South Americans send a contingent of 2000 generals.

The South Africans start shooting at anyone with a tan.

The Saudis start drilling for oil.

The Russians open a chain of massage parlours.

The Brit airborne troops get charged with murder even though they have not opened fire yet.

The Spanish are late.

The Portuguese are late but blame the Spaniards.

Delta Force makes a movie about the landing.

The Greeks and Turks turn up then send a bill to the Yanks and Brits.

The British Army cannot come because all six of them have flu.

The Japanese dont know who owns what ships and decide to sink them all.

The Californian National Guard wont land until someone opens a Starbucks.

The New Yorkers paint their helicopters yellow and will take you ashore for 50 bucks.

The Irish Army will be late because they say they are still celebrating St. Patricks Day.

The Israelis start building a settlement and shell the Palestinians as a precaution.

The Scandinavians like it off shore and stay there killing whales for the Japanese.

The Polish tunnel under the beach looking for coal.

The Palestinians say it used to be theirs but the Israelis stole it.

The Oklahoma National Guard has no idea what a beach is.

The Scottish claim to have found the beach first but accuse the English of stealing it.

The Texans kill anyone bad mouthing them.

The Mexicans invade Arizona by mistake.

The Welsh say its King Arthurs last resting place but the English stole it.

The Swiss apply for a bank charter.

The Lybians blow up two UN planes.

The UN decides to send an Ambassador if the member states pay their dues.

The Kentuckians are screwing their sisters.

The Panamanians ask the Americans what they should do.

The Floridia National Guard demands a recount and free Prozac.

The European Union want to set up a commission of 50,000 administrators paid for by the Brits.

The Swedes just want to screw the Kentuckians sisters.

The Michigan contingent begins a sit-down strike and blames General Motors.

Some guy from Tennessee swears that Elvis and Jimmy Dean are just over the dunes.

The Rumanians and Albanians finally arrive and surrender.

The Colorad Guard cuts off the Kansans water supply.

H. M. The Queen will give anyone a Knighthood if they can grab her a few hundred acres or find a job for Charles.

The North Koreans have no idea what is going on but blame the Americans anyway.

Washington State National Guard builds a monument to Bill Gates.

The Pakistanis build a Motel Six, a convenience store and gas station.

Jimmy Carter arrives and declares peace.

George W. Bush doesnt know where the island is, so he orders the U.S. Airforce to bomb Hawaii.

Its okay to love your pets, but just dont love your pets.

Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washingtons nose.

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.



New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes

first.



And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the Skins say Id run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, Matt Millen of the Raiders said, To win, Id run over Joes mom too.



Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.



Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, Because she is too

damn ugly to kiss goodbye.



Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: Im going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.



Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: I play football. Im not trying to be a professor. The tests dont seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I havent been through in school.



Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.



Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: Thats so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes.



Shaquille ONeal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: I cant really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.



Shaquille ONeal, on his lack of championships: Ive won at every level, except college and pro.



Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: Hes a guy who gets up at six oclock in the morning regardless of what time it is.



Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his teams 7-27 record: We cant win at home. We cant win on the road. As general manager, I just cant figure out where else to play. (1992)



Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: He wants Texas back. (1981)



Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football? (1966)



Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburns football dorm had destroyed 20 books: But the real tragedy was that 15 hadnt been colored yet. (1991)



Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: Im not allowed to comment on lousy

officiating. (1986)



Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: Its basically the same, just darker. (1991)



Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid Id get shot. (1996)



Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: I told him, Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy? He said, Coach, I dont know and I dont care. (1991)



Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: Son, looks to me like youre spending too much time on one subject. (1987)

11. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

12. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

13. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, The Professor cant hear you, youll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy.

14. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class hes named Boogers McGee and is your mascot. Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, Whatll be, McGee?

15. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?

16. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

17. Wear a virtual reality helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

18. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

19. Ask students to call you Tinkerbell or Surfin Bird.

20. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

Q. What do you call Al Gore and George W. Bush in the front seat of a car?

A. Dual airbags!