Old and New Jokes

Yo mamma is such a bad cook that even the cockroaches throw up!

Little Johnny and his friend Little George walk in the woods and see a naked girl. Little George says, Dont look at the naked girl because my dad said that if you look at naked girls, you will turn into stone. Little Johnny said, Too late. Im already getting hard.

Why do blondes smile when lightening flashes?

Because they think their pictures are being taken.

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If its really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how its going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
Always leave without telling anyone where youre going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
Wait until my yearly review and then tell me what my goals should have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. Im not here for the money anyway.
If you give me more than one job to do, dont tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.
Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
If you dont like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, dont write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
Never introduce me to the people youre with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and its nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager

Why does Clinton play the saxophone?

Cause he can no longer play with his hore-monica!

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

Well, how was the honeymoon? asked the mother.

Oh mamma! she exclaimed. The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. Hes been saying things Ive never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! Youve got to come get me and take me home… please mamma!

Now Sarah . . . her mother answered. Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?

Please dont make me tell you, mamma. wept the daughter.

Im so embarrassed! Theyre just too awful! Youve got to come get me and take me home… please mamma!

Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .

Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!

Still sobbing, the bride replied, Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.

After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets 2 shot glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey.

She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.

She says I want you to see this. She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies.

She says so what do you have to say about this experiment?

He says IF I DRINK WHISKEY I WONT GET WORMS!

Como parte de su formación, unos estudiantes de agronomía realizan una práctica en un desolado terreno. El profesor comienza con la clase:

Bien, alumnos, esta es una tierra arcillosa y muy seca. Tiene bastantes plagas y mucha concentración de sal; cuando llueve, llueve tanto que arrastra las cosechas que hay plantadas. El sol es muy fuerte en esta época, por lo que si se riega poco, el agua no penetra la tierra porque se seca antes; además, el suelo está lleno de piedras. ¿Qué recomiendan que plantemos aquí?

Se hace un largo silencio hasta que alguien contesta:

¿Un poste de teléfonos?

Why did the boy cross the road 2 phone 07952423099 fishing freak for advice (true story)