Old and New Jokes

How does the brain communicate with the nerves?

With a Cell phone!

A drink you buy at the convenience store to go with
a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms

We are born naked, wet, and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: Boys, we all know Ive been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I dont know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint givin him any of mine.

Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. Ive been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows weve agreed are mine. Ill fight em till I run him off or kill im, but I AM KEEPIN ALL MY COWS.

Third Bull: Ive only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: You know, its actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.

Second Bull: Ill have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. Im certainly not looking for an argument.

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting — the bulls equivalent of an Apes beating his chest or Mans bone-chilling, war-like cry of Stay away from my Woman, Vato!!

First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.

Third Bull: Hell , Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS.

Im just making sure he knows IM a bull!

A blonde and her husband are asleep when the phone rings, she answers it. After a few minutes the blonde says,I dont know. Thats like two thousand miles away, and she hangs up the phone.

Who was that? asks her husband.

It was some woman asking if the coast was clear!

Little Willie had a gambling problem. Hed bet on anything.

One day, Willies father consulted his teacher.
The teacher said. Mr.Gaines, I think I know how to teach Willie
a real lesson. Well trap him into a big wager that hell lose.
Willies father agreed to cooperate with the plan.

The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers
with the other children, and she said, Willie, I want you
to remain after class. When the others had left the
classroom, Willie walked up to the teacher. Before she could
say a word, he said, Dont say it, Miss B; I know what youre
going to say, but youre a liar!

Willie! the startled teacher said, What are you talking about?

Youre a fake! Willie continued.How can I believe anything
you tell me? Youve got this blond hair on top, but Ive seen
your bush and its pitch black!

Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said, Willie that isnt
true.

Ill bet a dollar it is! Willie challenged.

The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson. Make
it five dollars and you have a bet, she said.

Youre on! Willie whipped out a five dollar bill. Before anyone
could come into the room, Miss B. dropped her panties, spread her
legs, and showed Willie that her pubic hair was as blond as the
hair on top of her head.

Willie hung his head. You win, he said, handing her the fiver.

Miss. B couldnt wait for him to leave so she could get to a phone to
call his father. She reported what had happened. Mr. Gaines,
she said, I think weve finally taught him his lesson.

The hell we have, the father muttered. This morning Willie bet
me ten dollars that hed see your pussy before the day was over.

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that
reads:

Dear Wife (thats what he called her):

I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel
with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as
follows:

Dear Husband (thats what she called him):

I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater
Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year-old toy boy. You being an accountant
will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into
18.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Kansas!
Kansas who?
Kansas the best way to buy tuna!

I heard they closed the zoo in Warsaw. The duck died.

Three Men And A Baby

What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything.