Old and New Jokes

A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.

The polish guy calls the bartender over and says whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me.

The bartender replies I dont think you want to do that.

What do you mean? yells the polish guy, Send her the drink!

O.K. the bartender replies, but I dont think it is a good idea.

And why not? asks the polish guy.

The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says because shes a lesbian.

I dont care, send her the drink. says the polish guy.

So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, so what part of Lesbia are you from?

Whos There?
Interrupting Cow
Interrupt…
MOOOOOOO!

A scene from the movie Ruthless People. Its been a while but Ill try to retell the scene for anyone who hasnt seen it before.

Danny De Vito is in his office behind his desk and is being questioned by some geeky guy (I think a cop) sitting across from him. The phone rings and Danny answers …

Danny: Hello

Caller: Is Debbie there

Danny: Debbie? Whos this?

Caller: Ralph

Danny: Ralph, Debbies here but cant talk to you right now cause shes got my dick in her mouth! Want me to have here call you back when shes done?

Caller: hangs up

Danny (to the geeky cop whos eyeballs are popping out): I love wrong numbers!

An enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has

been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German

airfield, constructed with meticulous care, was made almost

entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun

emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied

photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last

wooden plank. Early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed

the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a

large wooden bomb.

A friend of mine is related to Amitabh Bachan. We once stayed with him, when the Bachan’s were also staying with him. I noticed that Jaya took really good care of Amitabh. She always gave him clothes to wear, reminded him to take his medicine and massaged Amitabh’s back when he had pulled a muscle. One evening while all of us were drinking tea I said to my wife Gul, see how nicely Jayaji takes care of Amitabh? She gives him clothes when he is a bath, massages his back and holds his hand all the time. Can’t you do like that? My wife looked at Amitabh and said I am ready if Amitabh doesn’t mind.

How do you make a womans brain the size of a pea?

Inflate it.

Q: How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: [Ahem] We do not discuss this with ladies and children present.

Justice, American Style

The following exchange happened last March 5 on the show Politically Incorrect, between Bill Maher, the host, and lawyer Leslie Abramson, who defended the Menendez brothers:

Bill: When do lawyers give a damn about the facts?

Leslie: When did you or Geraldo give a damn about the facts?

Bill: You defended the Menendez kids. What do you care about facts?

Leslie: I dont remember seeing you in the courtroom, Bill, so you absolutely dont know anything about the trial.

Bill: I knew they blew their parents heads off.

Leslie: No, they didnt. They didnt blow their parents heads off.

Bill: The Menendez kids didnt blow their parents heads off?

Leslie: No!

Bill: What did they do?

Leslie: They unloaded shotguns in their direction.

In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who totally zoned
when he ran, according to his wife, accidentally jogged off of a
200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the
weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest
explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back
and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle
he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same,
except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the
money that landed inside the circle god kept.
The rabbi said, Ive got you both beat. I throw the money
into the air and what god wants, god takes.