Old and New Jokes

The following are comebacks to that annoying question Why Arent You Married Yet?

You havent asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.

Im still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

Im waiting until I get to be your age.

It didnt seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

My co-op board doesnt allow spouses.

Id have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

I wouldnt want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

I guess it just goes to prove that you cant trust those voodoo doll rituals.

What? And lose all the money Ive invested in running personal ads?

I dont want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why arent you thin?

Im married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

(Bonus reply for Single Mothers)
Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Man: Havent we met before?

Woman: Yes, Im the receptionist at the VD Clinic.



Man: Havent I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yeah, thats why I dont go there anymore.



Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.



Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?

Woman: Well, I dont know. Will two people fit under a rock?



Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours and Ill go to mine.



Man: Id like to call you. Whats your number?

Woman: Its in the phone book.

Man: But I dont know your name.

Woman: Thats in the phone book too.



Man: So what do you do for a living?

Woman: Im a female impersonator.



Man: What sign were you born under?

Woman: No Parking.



Man: Hey, baby, whats your sign?

Woman: Do not Enter



Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized !



Man: Hey, come on, were both here at this bar for the same reason

Woman: Yeah! Lets pick up some chicks!



Man: Im here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.

Woman: You mean youve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?



Man: I know how to please a woman.

Woman: Then please leave me alone.



Man: I want to give myself to you.

Woman: Sorry, I dont accept cheap gifts.



Man: I can tell that you want me.

Woman: Ohhhh. Youre so right. I want you to leave.



Man: If I could see you naked, Id die happy:

Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, Id probably die laughing.



Man: Hey cutie, how bout you and I hitting the hot spots?

Woman: Sorry, I dont date outside my species..



Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.



Man: Id go through anything for you.

Woman: Good! Lets start with your bank account.



Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One mans pit bull died and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his own wife back again.

Lets keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below!

> Bill Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> William Jefferson Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> W. J. Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> William Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> W. Jefferson Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> William J. Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> Slick Willie Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington, DC
>
> Mr. Hillary Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC

Iban dos borrachos por la calle cuando de pronto uno levanta la vista y dice:

¡Mire compadre esos calzonzotes!

Y responde el otro:

¡Aahh! ¡esos! fíjese compadre que son de mi puta madre…

El otro asombrado le dice:

¿De tu puta m…? ¿cómo va a ser eso compadre?

Mira, te lo voy a demostrar.

En eso se voltea y grita con todas sus fuerzas a una señora gorda que estaba tendiendo la ropa:

Oye gorda, ¿de quien son esos enormes calzonzotes que tienes ahí colgados?

Dice la señora:

¡DE TU PUTA MADRE, CABRON!

Se voltea el borracho y dice:

¿Ves?

OF COURSE I LOVE YA DARLING

YOURE A BLOODY TOP NOTCH BIRD

AND WHEN I SAY YOURE GORGEOUS

I MEAN EVERY SINGLE WORD



SO YA BUM IS ON THE BIG SIDE

I DONT MIND A BIT OF FLAB

IT MEANS THAT WHEN IM READY

THERES SOMETHIN THERE TO GRAB



SO YOUR BELLY ISNT FLAT NO MORE

I TELL YA, I DONT CARE

SO LONG AS WHEN I CUDDLE YA

I CAN GET MY ARMS AROUND THERE



IM TELLIN YA THE TRUTH NOW

I NEVER TELL YA LIES

I THINK ITS VERY SEXY

THAT YOUV GOT DIMPLES ON YA THIGHS



I SWEAR ON ME NANNAS GRAVE NOW

THE MOMENT THAT WE MET

I THOUGHT U WAS AS GOOD AS

I WAS EVER GONNA GET



NO MATTER WOT U LOOK LIKE

ILL ALWAYS LOVE YA DEAR

NOW SHUT UP WHILE THE FOOTYS ON

AND GET ME ANOTHER BEER!…..8 )

There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.

YOURE DRUNK! exclaimed the police officer.

Thank God for that! said the drunk, I thought the steering had gone.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Handel!
Handel who?
Handel with care!

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

The Tax Man

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit

the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned

to the Rabbi and said, I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with

Good question, noted the Rabbi. We save them up and send them

back to the


candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of


candles.


Oh, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual


question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way What

about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs? Ah, yes,


> replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with


an unanswerable question. We collect them and send them back to the

manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo


balls.

I see, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could

fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. Well, Rabbi,


> > he went on, what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the

circumcisions you perform? Here, too, we do not waste, answered

the Rabbi. What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to

the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.