Old and New Jokes

there was a redhead, brunette, and a blond all drunk in a bar.when the redhead saysim so loose i could stick four fingers in my p****. so then the brunette says im so loose i could stick my fist in my p**** but then the blond doesnt say anything so the redhead saysyo blondy what can you do? but all of a sudden the blonde starts to slide down the stool.

Guy: Sir? Are we happy?

Other guy: Oh, God! I hate that question!

Guy: But we must be, righ? Compared to people in Turkish prisons … or Madonna fans or …

Other guy: Thats the problem, kid … happiness is all relative!

Guy: Oh. Okay then, do we feel good?

Other guy: You mean right now?

Guy: Gee … I dunno.

Other guy: Lets see … we just got a big zit on our nose … but that asteroid did miss earth. New episode of Star Trek tonight … but theyre rioting again in Antarctica …

Guy: Ill ask again later.

Other guy: Nice day, bad breath, good hair, slow death, cold beer, tight shorts, Giants win, Planters warts …

Political humor via *The Santa Cruz Comic News*

How long did the Hundred Years War last?
Which country makes Panama hats?
From which animal do we get catgut?
In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
What is a camels hair brush made of?
The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
What was King George VIs first name?
What color is a purple finch?
Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
How long did the Thirty Years War last?

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ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ (no peeking!)

116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
Ecuador.
From sheep and horses.
November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
Squirrel fir.
The Latin name was Insularia Canaria – Island of the Dogs.
Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
Distinctively crimson.
New Zealand.
Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

En la escuela, la profesora pregunta a los niños que productos sembrarían si quisieran hacerse millonarios.

A ver Jaimito, ¿tú que sembrarías?

Yo, maestra, sembraría olivos

¿Y por qué?

Porque de ahí puedo sacar aceite, maestra.

Muy bien, ¿y tú Pablito?

Yo sembraría maíz.

¿Por qué?

Porque del maíz puedo hacer tortillas.

Muy bien.

Así continuó la maestra, hasta que por fin llega con Pepito.

A ver Pepito, dime, ¿tú que sembrarías?

Bueno, maestra, pues yo sembraría un montón de pelos.

¿Por qué, Pepito?, le cuestiona la maestra, asombrada por la respuesta.

Pues porque mi hermana, con un triangulito, saca mucho dinero.

What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
The champire!

Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
Paul gas coin!

Manager: Ill give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a years time?
Young player: OK, Ill come back in a years time!

Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?
Captain: Well, it could have been worse.
Manager: How?
Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!

…about as funny as roman candles on a birthday cake.

When an argument starts … he calls for backup.
Refers to the bedroom as The Pokey.
Calls passing gas the silent alarm.
Has a secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie.
Lots of references to the old night stick.
Never hear him say Oh man … not donuts again!
Refers to his winkie as the Breathalyzer
Stops you during lovemaking to ask if you know how fast you were going.
Handcuffs dont turn him on anymore.

and the number one sign you are married to a cop …

Yes, that *is* a gun in his pocket!!!

What will Bill Clinton be known for in history? The president after Bush!

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, Can I help you lad?

Yesh, Shombody shtole me car!, the Irishman replies.

The cop asks, Well now, where was your car last time you saw it?

It was at the end of this key.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishmans member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?

The Irishman looks down woefully and moans OOH GOD… they got me girl too!

An woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, Thank Heavens Ive made it in time! Have you any chicken? The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 2 1/2 pounds.



Ah, havent you anything bigger? the woman inquires.



The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the chicken. The scale shows 3 1/4 pounds.



Marvelous! says the woman. Ill have both of them please.