It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Married people dont live longer than single people. It just seems longer.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream of Jeannie!
The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlyweds bed that evening.
Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband, Thats happiness! Thats happiness! But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at the wrong speed.
When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her shouting at him, Thats a penis?! Thats a penis?!
Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. I cant do anything unless you complete a lightbulb design change request form.
Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If youre Eveready, Im Frito Lay.
A beautiful lass was noticing a Scotsman in full regalia at a parade. Shy but curious, she approached him and asked, Is it true, what they say about what Scotsman do not wear beneath their kilts? The Scotsman replied, Well, lass, youll just have to take a wee peek and discover for yourself. She timidly lifted the hem and peered beneath. Immediately, she dropped it and said, Aye, tis gruesome! To which he replied, Best look again, lass, I think its grew some more!
There was a guy and he was at a bar all night trying to get a lady.
He tryed and tryed all night, he couldnt get one.
He went home and his brother told him to put a potato down his pants.
On his way to the bar that night he put the potato down his pants.
He was at the bar all night.
He couldnt get a lady.
He went to home and told his brother that he still didnt get a lady.
His brother said that he should put the potato down the front of his pants next time.
Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards? The priest says, Because Im a father.
Johnny says, Yeah? Well, my old mans got three kids and he dont wear his collar backwards.
The priest says, You dont understand, son. I have thousands of children.
Johnny says, You should wear your fuckin trousers backwards.
After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, A girls best friends are her own two legs.
On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Marys skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, I repeat, a girls best friends are her own two legs.
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didnt get home until very late. That night, she wrote in her diary, There comes a time when even the best of friends must part.
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. Doctor, he said sadly, Im afraid Im going to have to ask you to cut off my dogs tail. The vet stepped back, Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing? Because my mother-in-laws arriving tomorrow, and I dont want anything to make her think shes welcome.