Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration.

Una mujer se confiesa:

Padre, estoy en pecado. Me he tirado al párroco de San Miguel.

¡Qué barbaridad! Reza trece avemarías.

También me he tirado al párroco de Santa Ana.

¡Pero, hija! Reza doce padrenuestros y seis avemarías.

Es que también me tirado al párroco de San Julián. ¡Es que no lo puedo resistir, cuando veo una sotana… Zas, me la tiro!

Pues hija, te recuerdo que tu parroquia es ésta.

You are probably acquainted with the Ten Commandments. These ten rules
of conduct are now something like three thousand years old. They were
certainly appropriate for the time when they were given, but this is the
Age of Information, and there is need for something more up-to-date.

Determining exactly what we need will of course require much discussion;
to provide a starting point I include my own list of rules. These may
of course be of no use to you, but I dont claim to be a prophet.

My Personal Philosophy

1. Thou shalt not bore thy neighbours by expounding thy personal
philosophy to them.

2. [deleted]

3. [deleted]

4. [deleted]

5. [deleted]

6. [deleted]

7. [deleted]

8. [deleted]

9. [deleted]

10. [deleted]

In response to Fridays Santa is a woman, I offer the following:

Santa is a man.

It is precisely because Christmas is an organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal that Santa has to be a man. Delegation … thats the key. Just imagine if a woman was trying to delegate all of those tasks and obligations to her underlings. Christmas would be as ambiguous as the spring equinox. Nobody would know what day of the year we were going to celebrate it on.

It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge as Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and (usually) the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task would overwhelm most females. Wed have to plan football schedules around lunch instead of the other way around. Or worse yet … there might not be any football at all. (Shudder) Thats a scary thought.

If Santa was a female, the toys might never be delivered. It would take a she Santa until New Years Eve to get dressed (for the third time) and out of the bathroom. And just try harnessing those reindeer with freshly painted nails. Never happen. Once she got underway, shed be too busy talking on the cell phone to her girl friends to get all the way around the world to every girl and boys house in a single year, let alone a single night.

If Santa was female, the whole idea of gift giving would be unrecognizable. Everybody would get socks, or ties, or aftershave, or fuzzy slippers every year. There would be none of the noise making, shoot em up, battery operated windfalls that kids love. Bicycles would all come complete with helmets and knee pads. And training wheels so nobody could get hurt. Toy soldiers would be replaced by books on improving ones self esteem. Christmas just wouldnt be the same.

Ill tell you another reason why Santa has to be a man (AND a football fan). Look at the names of his reindeer … Dasher, Comet, Blitzen … If those arent male names for football players, than Im an elf.

[Thanks to BS Pyle]

And besides:

Santa Claus could never have been a woman! Who else but a man would:

Be really generous once a year,
Be totally uninvolved the other 11 months,
(And 29 days, well give him Christmas Eve & Day),
And yet think he was a saint?

Plus … No woman is going to wear the same outfit, year after year after year!!!

Some actual product warning labels:

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink – AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)

On a New Zealand insect spray – THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer – TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Makes sense…except these instructions were IN THE BOX!)

In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles – OPEN OTHER END.

On a Sears hairdryer – DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. ( Now THAT Id like to see! )

On a bag of Fritos – YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap – DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

On Tescos Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box) * DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (oops…Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding – PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Lets experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife – WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights – FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what…use in outer space?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts – INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (Im sure glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw – DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

On a childs superman costume – WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. Thats right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

Un viejito estaba con sus nietos en la sala de su casa, y les decía: Niños, yo cuando era joven era cazador, entonces un día iba caminando el la selva con una escopeta. Detrás de mí se movían unos arbustos, di un giro de 180 grados y tenía enfrente de mí a un león, y ya tenía sus pelos en mi cara…

En ese momento pasa la nieta más grande y le dice: Ay abuelo, otra vez espantando a los niños.

Y él contesta: No, no los espanto, y continúa con los niños, a ver hijos ¿en qué me quedé?

Y los niños contestan en coro: En que tenías sus pelos en la cara.

Y el abuelo dice: Entonces que la tomo por la cintura…

Ask the following to a Blonde to see if she is a DUMB BLONDE or a smart blonde…yeah right…



1.Who do want to be most like in life:

A.Vanna White

B.Michelle Fiefer

C.Britney Spears

E.None of the Above



2.In a game of Hide-And-Go Seek, do you:

A.Run when you see the seeker

B.Stay hiding until the seeker finds you

C.Run when the seeker sees you

E.Follow the seeker quietly



3.What happens when you get Alzheimers Disease

A.You loose alot of weight

B.Gain weight

C.Get really smart

D.Loose your memory



4.How do you kill a bird:

A.Hit it

B.Throw it off a building

C.Cook it

D.All of the above



5.Whats an important question about pregnancy

A.Is it mine

B.How far along am I

C.Is it a boy or girl

D.What hospital should I go to for delivery



Dont read them this part:



Results:

1.

A=5pts.

B=3pts.

C=2pts.

D=1pt.



2.

A=4

B=5

C=2

D=3



3.

A=4

B=3

C=5

D=1



4.

A=3

B=5

C=4

D=1



5.

A=5

B=1

C=3

D=2



TOTAL:

20 =Official Dumb Blonde; 15-19=Pretty Dumb; 10-14=Not Bad; 9-Smart for a Blonde

Introducing:

As a devout Catholic, Maria doesnt use condoms with her husband. So over the

years, they have had 17 children. After the husband died, Maria remarried and

had another 22 kids with her second husband before he too dies. Eventually,

Marias time also came.

At her wake, the priest looked tenderly at Maria lying in her coffin. Then, he

looked up into the heavens and said, At last… they are finally together.

A man standing next to the priest looked confused and asked, Father, what do

you mean? Do you mean Maria and her first husband? Or her second husband?

Says the priest: I mean her legs.

A computer salesman, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer are driving
in a car together. Suddenly the right rear tire blows out, ahd the car rolls
to a stop. Our three heroes pile out to investigate.

The salesman tsk-tsks sadly. Time to buy a new car! he announces.

Says the hardware engineer, Well, first lets try swapping the front and
rear tires, and see if that fixes it.

Replies the software engineer, Naw, lets just try driving the car again,
and maybe the problem will go away by itself.

(Blame it on laz@pyramid. He told it to me.)
<csg>