Old and New Jokes

Communications Decency Act

The government of the United States has passed a law which makes it a crime to transmit indecent materials over the Internet. As a citizen of this great country I plan to fully comply with that law.

From now on, whenever I get the urge to use an offensive word in e-mail I will substitute the name of an offensive politician. I urge you to do the same.

The beauty of this approach is that they cant easily ban these new naughty words without changing their own names. I know I could get in trouble for suggesting such a thing, but I dont give a flying Buchanan what they think. And if they dont like it they can come over here and kiss my Gingrich.

Element
Woman

Chemical symbol
Wo

Discoverer
Adamov Eden

Atomic mass
Accepted as 53.659 kg but known to vary from 40 to 200 kg.

Occurrences
Copious quantities in urban areas.

Physical properties

Surfaces usually covered in painted film.
Boils at nothing, known to freeze without known reason.
Melts if given special treatment.
Bitter if incorrectly used.
Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

Chemical properties

Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
May explode spontaneously, without prior warning for no known reason.
Insoluble in liquids but activity increases greatly if saturated in
alcohol.
Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common uses

Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can be great aid to relaxation.
Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests

Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
Turns green when placed near a better specimen.

Hazards

Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
Illegal to possess more than one sample, although several can be
maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into
direct contact with one another, if they do, evacuate the room
immediately and preferably do not return to the location of
exposure for about 10 years!
Highly volatile if exchanged for a newer sample.

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.



He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?



The drunk looks back and says, Yes, Preacher, I sure am.



The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

Have you found Jesus? the preacher asked.

Nooo, I didnt! said the drunk.



The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, Now, brother, have you found Jesus?

Noooo, I have not, Reverend.



The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?



The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher…

Are you sure this is where he fell in?

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None; Californians dont screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs!

Why do we send cargo by ship, and shipments by car?

Why call it a building if its already been built?

Why do kamikazee pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny?

La ONU promueve que varios países envíen a sus cuerpos policiacos a una prueba donde se decidirá cual es el mejor de ellos a nivel mundial.

EE.UU. envía miembros del FBI, Moscú algunos de la KGB y México a varios de la Policía Judicial.

La prueba consiste en soltar un chimpancé en la selva y capturarlo en el menor tiempo posible. Los primeros en actuar son los de la KGB. Sueltan el chimpancé, y a las tres horas los tipos llegan con el animal.

¿Cómo lo lograron? Pregunta alguien de la ONU.

Fácil, sÓlo fue cuestión de ir siguiendo sus huellas y reconocer sus rastros de cáscara de banana.

Enseguida siguen los del FBI. Una hora más tarde regresan con el animal.

¿Cómo lo lograron?

Fácil, sólo fue cuestión de usar nuestros radares, coordinarnos con el satélite espía, y finalmente lo encontramos en una cueva, gracias a nuestros visores infrarrojos.

Toca el turno a los de la policía mexicana. Veinte minutos después de soltar al chimpancé, se les ve llegar muy contentos con un gorila, todo maltrecho, golpeado y con el hocico sangrando.

¡Se lo juro que yo soy! decía el gorila, a llanto tendido ¡Yo soy el chimpancé! ¡Se lo juro, se lo juro!

Two vowels, two consonants, two fools.

One Polish surgeon asks another: How did the operation go?

The operation was a success, but the patient died!

Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.

Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis.