Q. Why cant men ever give a straight answer to a simple question?A. Frankly, your questions arent all that simple. In general, when a woman asks a question, she has a correct answer in mind. We men are well aware of this. Therefore, it may take us a while to come up with the right answer. If a question is particularly tough, we may not answer at all.Q. Can men really die from a lack of sex?A. To be perfectly honest, the answer is NO. But sometimes it makes us wish we were dead. Actually, sometimes it makes us wish you were dead (or at least unconscious).Q. When will men ever grow up and mature?A. Funny you should ask. I just got home from the Boys Clubâ„¢ meeting, and we finally had a vote on this issue. It had been tabled for discussion for quite a while, and it was hard to pass because on such serious issues, we needed more than just a simple majority. Anyhow, it was finally passed; and our final decision is TOMORROW. Collectively, well all grow up, be mature, and act responsibly tomorrow. Tonight were hanging out with the guys and going out drinking. And no, you cant come along.Q. Why do men only have one thing on their minds?A. While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.Q. Why do men think with their groins?A. I dont think most women fully appreciate the situation. While weve only got ONE brain, weve got more than a couple of MILLION sperms! Even if we had good intentions, what chance does it actually have against a couple of million frisky sperms? I believe this is commonly referred to as the tyranny of the majority. Its simply an inescapable consequence of a voting democracy.Q. Why do most men name their private parts?A. Contrary to popular belief, most men dont actually get to name their private parts. Men have to address ou
Two women friends had gone for a girls night out. They both were very faithful, loving wives… however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didnt want to ruin them… luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it… so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls completed their business they continued toward home. The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said These girls nights out have got to stop! Im starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!Thats nothing! said the other husband, mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read: FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION… WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!
Yesterday, I helped my mother-in-law get set up on email for the first time. She got frustrated from time to time. Upon reflection, I decided that frustration was perfectly understandable. Imagine trying to learn to write a letter for the first time …
Me: Ok, to write a letter, the first thing you need is a piece of paper and a pen.
Tarzan: What are those?
Me: Paper is flat stuff that is made from tree pulp, sort of like a very small blackboard. Pens are sticks that write, sort of like chalk but smaller and in darker colors.
Tarzan: Is this paper?
Me: Ah, yes, that is paper, but you dont want to write a letter on that, thats my paycheck.
Tarzan: Why cant I use this?
Me: Well, thats a representation of money that I … uh, never mind. Just dont write on that. Look, heres a piece of paper that you can write on.
Tarzan: What about a pen?
Me: Pens are like little sticks. Do you see anything on this desk that
looks
like a little stick? Uh, no, thats a ruler. Rulers are for measuring things. Uh, no, thats a toothpick, its for cleaning teeth, I dont know why its on my desk. Look, heres a pen.
Tarzan: That doesnt look like a little stick! Its grey. Little sticks are brown.
Me: I meant little stick metaphorically. Just use this. Uh, you have to take the cap off first. Ok, now write Dear Mom on the paper. Wait, you want to rotate the paper so that the short side is at the top and the long side comes towards you.
Tarzan: Why?
Me: Well, thats just how its done. I suppose you could do it the other way, but it would look a little funny. Ok, now write Dear Mom on the – oh, no, at the top. Well, never mind, we can just throw this one away and start over. Thats right, Dear Mom at the top. Then the rest of the letter.
Tarzan: Ok, Ive finished the letter! Can we go hunting now?
Me: Well, you arent really done. I mean, you are done with the letter, but now you have to send it. You need to put the letter in an envelope next. An envelope is a piece of paper that is all folded up to hide and protect the letter. Uh, no, put my paycheck down, we dont want to fold it into an envelope.
Tarzan: Wouldnt that work?
Me: Well, yeah, it would *work*, but it isnt the best way to do it, and besides, I want to keep my paycheck. Look, just put your letter into this envelope here.
Tarzan: It wont fit.
Me: Yeah, you have to fold it first. Um, it will work better if you fold it into thirds. No, the other way. There you go, now put it in the envelope. Good. Now seal the envelope by licking the paper here and folding it over.
Tarzan: You *must* be joking!
Me: No, really, thats how you seal the envelope. Look, if you dont want to lick it, you could get a little sponge and dish of water and use the sponge to wet the envelope flap.
Tarzan: Ill just go dunk it in the creek then.
Me: NO! Sorry, I didnt mean to yell. Look, Ill show you, *I* will lick it for you. See? Easy.
Tarzan: Ok, now can we go hunting?
Me: No, not yet, we still need to address the mail so that the postman knows who should get the envelope. So on the envelope, write Lady Greystoke – nonono over here. Well, never mind, we can get a new envelope for it. Ill take it out of the old one for you. Ok, heres a new envelope for you, see if you can put it in – thats good – and seal it.
Tarzan: I cut my tongue!
Me: Ooops. It does take a little getting used to. Ok, now write Lady Greystoke right here. Good! Ok, now we need to look up her address in the address book. This is my address book, and youll have to make your own address book and fill it in with addresses.
Tarzan: How will I know what peoples addresses are?
Me: Youll just ask them for their address.
Tarzan: How can I ask them if I cant write to them?
Me: You have to ask them some other way, like when you see them in person.
Tarzan: Why cant I just get a big book with everybodys address in it?
Me: Well, there are five billion people in the world, so it would be an awfully big book, plus people move all the time, plus some people wouldnt want their address in the book. Look, trust me, it works. Youll get peoples addresses. Ok, so underneath her name, write her address. Uh, you put the street address on its own line, then the city and state and ZIP code.
Tarzan: Whats a ZIP code?
Me: Dont worry about it, just do it.
Tarzan: Hmmpf. It would be a lot easier if I could just put Mom. Ok, its
addressed. NOW can we go hunting?
Me: Hold your horses. You need to put your return address in the upper left-hand corner of the envelope.
Tarzan: Whats my return address?
Me: Its how people can contact you. Your landlord should have given you a piece of paper with your address on it. Yeah, that looks right, now copy that to the upper left corner. Upper LEFT corner. Good. Ack! My desk! Put the cap back on!
Tarzan: Huh?
Me: Its very important that you put the cap back on the pen so that the ink from the pen doesnt get all over everything. Ok, now we have to put a stamp on the envelope, which is a way of paying for the delivery. You need a 32-cent stamp. Never mind why. You need to put it in the upper right hand corner, no, right-side up – so the 32 is right-side up. No, it wont stay by itself, you have to lick it.
Tarzan: Im not licking anything else, I cut my tongue last time.
Me: Oh, all right. Ill lick it for you this time. Tomorrow you can go buy a different kind of stamps that you dont have to lick.
Tarzan: How many different types of stamps are there?
Me: Well, theres stamps you lick and self-adhesive stamps, and different denominations of stamps, oh, and there are stamps from other countries but you cant use them.
Tarzan: Why not?
Me: Because our government doesnt recognize those stamps. And we cant use our stamps in other countries.
Tarzan: So do I have to use two different stamps if I send something to another country?
Me: No, theres an agreement with other countries that they will deliver mail with our stamps if they come from outside the country.
Tarzan: So why cant we use other countries stamps inside our country?
Me: They just wont, leave it be.
Tarzan: Ok, Im going hunting now.
Me: Just a minute, just a minute! How do you think the letter is going to get to your mother? Did you think it was just going to magically leap from the desk and get to her? We need to take it somewhere that the Post Office can find it.
Tarzan: How about under my pillow?
Me: Dont be smart with me, young man. We need to take it and either put it in the mailbox or take it down to the post office.
Tarzan: Isnt the mailbox where mail comes *in*?
Me: Yes, but the postman will take it out of the mailbox and take it down to the post office if it is already there.
Tarzan: Does that mean that if I dont take my incoming mail out of my mailbox by the time the mailman comes again, hell take all my mail away?
Me: No, it doesnt work like that. Look, it just works, ok? Just go put it in the mailbox, Im tired of arguing with you. Then go play in the jungle or whatever, just leave me alone.
Tarzan: *Sigh* Letter-writing is *hard*!
(found on car window)
Sound system will not work if removed
The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin.
Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club into the hole while keeping the balls out.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence.
Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied.
Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the course, paying special attention to the well-formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played recently to the owner of the course presently being played.
If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is advised to find alternate means of play.
It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match.
Course owner shall be the judge of who is the best player.
It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you have played the course.
(from The Laugh Page Humor Archives)
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word penis in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word penis again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none,erased it and then proceeded with the days lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each days word, larger than the previous days word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:
The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!
Q: What do a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?
A: Either way somebody loses a trailer home!
You know youre a redneck if your wife wants to take a bath but you have to move the transmision from the tub first.
You know youre a red neck when you go to family reunions to pick up chicks!
If youve been married three times and your in-laws aint changed then you might just be a redneck.
If a sign reads say no to crack and you pull up your pants then you might just be a redneck.
You know you are redneck when you mow your lawn and find a car.
You know you are redneck when your favorite shirt is illegal in more then 15 states.
You know you are redneck when you shut your car door and your gun makes you a sun-roof.
You know you are redneck when your friends go water skiing while you are towing your boat to the lake.
You might be a redneck if your exhaust system incorporates more than three wire hangers and at least two juice cans.
You might be a redneck if you think fat-free means undoing your belt and the first 3 buttons.
You know youre a redneck when you think marriage vows are what your father-in-law promised to do to you if you didnt marry his daughter.
You might be a redneck if an intimate evening at home consists of sharing the remote.
You might be a redneck if its easier to rotate your home than your TV antenna.
You might be a redneck if you use old newspapers in more than 3 ways in your home.
You know youre a redneck if you stare at the Orange Juice container because it says Concentrate.
You know youre a redneck when some one yells hoe down and your wife drops to the floor!
You might be a redneck if you can relate to the following statements:
1) Nothing says lovin like lovin’ your cousin!
2) Why go across town when you can go across the hall?
3) If you cant keep it in the pants then keep it in the family.
You know youre a redneck when your family tree is a wreath.
You know your a redneck when your town priest is also your town plummer.
You know youre a redneck when youre front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You have a home that is mobil and 14 cars that arent.
You know youre a redneck when you have seven cars in your driveway, but only one works.
What was the last thing the redneck said before he died?
Hey yall, watch this!
You know your a redneck if your Thanksgiving turkey was once a family pet!
You might be a redneck if you wear cowboy boots with shorts.
1. Lawyers dont think theyre funny.2. The rest of us dont think theyre jokes!
Dos mujeres jugaban golf en una mañana soleada. De pronto vieron con horror como la pelota se dirigÃa directamente hacia unos hombres que jugaban en el siguiente hoyo.
La pelota golpeó a uno de los hombres, quien de inmediato juntó ambas manos en su entrepierna, y cayó al suelo rodando y gimiendo lastimosamente.
Las mujeres corrieron hasta donde estaba el hombre. Una de ellas, sintiéndose culpable, dijo: Por favor, déjeme ayudarlo. Soy quiropractica y sé como quitarle el dolor si usted me lo permite.
Ouch, auuuu, noooo. Estaré bien… el dolor se me pasara en unos minutos, contestó el hombre, mientras permanecÃa en posicion fetal, tirado en el cesped y con las manos en su entrepierna.
Ella insistió hasta que finalmente él le permitio ayudarlo; ella gentilmente le separó las manos y lo acostó a su lado, le desabrochó los pantalones, puso sus manos dentro y comenzó a masajear.
Se siente bien? preguntó la dama.
¡Me siento fantastico! contestó el hombre, pero el dedo me sigue doliendo…
Van Manolo y Venancio en un coche, y le pide Manolo a su colega:
Oye Venancio, asómate a ver si funcionan las direccionales.
Se asoma Venancio y le informa:
Ahora sÃ, ahora no, ahora sÃ, ahora no…