Old and New Jokes

Little Johnny is in the first grade and is told by the teacher hes going to be in the class play.

He tells her: No, I wont be in the class play.

The teacher says: You have to be in the class play.

He tells her: No, I wont be in the class play.

She says: Look, if youre not in the class play, youll break your mothers heart. I know how you feel so Ill give you the easiest part. All you have to say is Hark, theres hope for her soul. Ill snatch a kiss and steal off in the night. Shakespeare.

Reluctantly the kid agrees.

On the big night his moment comes. The stage lights are on him, his mother smiles and Johnny says: Hark, theres soap in her hole. Ill kiss her snatch and beat off in the night. Snakeshit … er … Spereshit … er … Oh, fuck it. I didnt want to be in the play in the first place.

Right after Lisa Marie had Michael Jacksons baby, they went to see her gynecologist. After the babys exam, Michael asked the doctor, Doctor, how long will it be before we can have sex? The doctor replied, Well, Michael, you probably ought to wait until hes at least 10 or 11.

Indian build little fire. White man build big fire. White man get warm carrying wood.

On the subject of fire building: A good Indian always carries a can of gas.

If two fellas never argue it jus means one of ems doin all the thinkin.

Everyday is Saturday to a dog.

Country people dont shine their shoes very often but they dont shine other peoples either.

On killin time: Just circlin like a man with one oar.

I cant understand it, they built a brand new jail in the county seat and then filled it with riff raff!

Milkin a thousand cows is like havin a thousand wives.

In a card game you go by the golden rule, him who has the gold makes the rules.

Never assume nothin, theres two things a cowboy dont know anything about, one of ems a cow and the others a horse!

The British Isles, it is said, are inhabited by four nations.

The Scots, who keep the Sabbath, and everything else they can lay
their hands on.
The Welsh, who pray upon their knees and upon their neighbours.
The Irish, who dont know what they want, but are willing to die for it.

And the English, who, considering themselves a race of self-made men,
thereby relieve the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the
sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, Hey! Where are you going?
You just shot my waiter and you didnt pay for your sandwich!

The panda yells back at the bartender, Hey, man, Im a panda! Look it
up!

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda,
A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin characterized by distinct black and
white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

A mail clerk for a Judge never had any trouble scoring at all with the ladies. However, the Judge had a paralegal working for him that would not even glance in the clerks direction.

Finally one day, he decided on the direct approach.

He saundered up and said Hey baby. Hows about you and me getting together for a cozy weekend in a quiet out-of-the-way motel. Itd be a blast, fer shure.

She replied, Im afraid that my awareness of your proclivities in the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes any such erotic congenial tete-a-tete.

I dont get it, he said.

Exactly!!! she smiled.

Hey Guy, You Think Youve Got Problems…

• imagine Adam trying to convince Eve that God intended for him to wear the plants in the family

• imagine being so old it takes you forty-five minutes to undress, and another twenty to remember why

• suppose by the time you can read a woman like a book … your eyes go bad

• suppose every time you meet a hot looking girl you used to know … its her daughter

• imagine being so impotent that you even have to fake premature ejaculation

• imagine you join Overeaters Anonymous and they make you a chapter

• suppose two of the worlds greatest movers and shakers move into the apartment above you

• suppose you become a sheik with 150 wives … and your house only has six bathrooms

• imagine you get a great color from going to the beach … but its blue from holding your stomach in

• imagine at the beach your wife tells you to suck your gut in … and you already are

• suppose you go to a carnival … and a fortune teller offers to read your face

• suppose you married a girl because she looked like a siren but now, she only sounds like one

Why do hummingbirds hum?

They forgot the words……

A ten year old boy is walking down the street dragging a dead frog on a string. He walks up into a whorehouse and says to the madame, I would like one girl please. The madame looks at the young boy and says, Im sorry I cant help you, youre too young. So the boy digs into his pocket and whips out two hundred bucks and throws it on the counter. The madame picks up the money up and says, I think we will be able to work something out here.

Then the boy says, On one condition…The girl has to have active herpes. The madame drops the money back onto the counter and says, Well Im sorry I cant help you. All my girls are clean, they get tested every week. So the boy digs back into his pocket and whips out another two hundred bucks and throws it onto the counter. And the madame says, Actually, I think I have just the girl for you. So the boy goes upstairs and does his thing with the girl.

He is on his way down the stairs to leave and hes still dragging that dead frog by a string. The madame stops him as hes leaving and says, Can I ask you a question before you leave? and the kid says, Yeah sure. The madame asks, Why in the hell would a kid your age want a girl with active herpes? Youre gonna keep that the rest of your life, thats insane!

The boy retorts, Well it goes like this… Im gonna go home now and fuck my babysitter. About 11:00 tonight mom and dad will come home. Dad will take the babysitter home and hell fuck her. Then hell come back that same night and fuck my mom. Than about 9:00 tomorrow morning the milkman comes, and thats the motherfucker who killed my frog!

Q. What did one gay sperm say to another?
A. How do we find an egg in all of this shit?