Old and New Jokes

There were three drunk guys and they got in a car accident. They go to heaven and plead god for a second chance. God says, Alright, but dont step on a duck. The drunks reply, Why ducks? God repeats, Just dont step on a duck. The drunks agree and go back down to earth. A few weeks go by, and the first steps on a duck. Instantly, hes chained to the ugliest woman in the world. A month goes by and the second steps on a duck. The last of them is laughing at the others and is instantly chained to the most beautiful woman in the world. He says, God, what did I do for this? The girl says, I dont know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

Q: What are the famous last words of a redneck?

A: Hey yall… Watch this!

What is Jim Baker now preaching?

-Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff.

Neither, its a paradox. If the first is true, then the second must be false, which makes the first false… it doesnt work.

This was told to me by Father George Alderson, of the RCC.

There was a nun doing charity work in a large metropolitan hospital.
As she was walking by the nursery, she encountered a man looking through
the window at a newborn.

Is that your child? said the nun.

Why, yes, it is sister. She was born this morning, said the man.

Are you Catholic, young man?

Yes, sister.

How many children do you have?

This is our twelfth child. We are hoping for more.

Your twelfth child! How magnificent. God has truly blessed you. I shall
remember you in my prayers.

Thank you sister, said the man.

Later that same day, the nun encountered another man at the nursery.

Is that your child, young man.

Yes, sister, it is. I am very proud of her.

Are you Catholic, young man?

No sister, I am not.

How many children do you have?

This is our ninth child.

The nun was shocked and gasped, Sex maniac.

Four doctors who hadnt seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar. Adjourning for dinner and drinks, they started talking about what makes a good surgical patient.
The first said, Electrical engineers, because you open em up and everything is color-coded. Nah, said the second. Its librarians. You open em up and everything is alphabetized. The third scoffed. Of course not, he said. Its accountants. You open em up and everything is numbered. Lawyers, said the fourth, with a shake of his head. Its lawyers, you idiots! No heart, no guts, no spine, and the ass and the brain are interchangeable.

Comprehending Engineers – Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, Where did
you get such a great bike?

The second engineer replied, Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want.

The second engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldnt have fit.

Comprehending Engineers – Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers – Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, Whats with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!

The doctor chimed in, I dont know, but Ive never seen such ineptitude!

The pastor said, Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Lets have a word with
him.

Dramatic pause

Hi George. Say, whats with that group ahead of us? Theyre rather slow, arent
they?

The greens keeper replied, Oh, yes, thats a group of blind firefighters. They
lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let
them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, Thats so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight.

The doctor said, Good idea. And Im going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if theres anything he can do for them.

The engineer said, Why cant these guys play at night?

Comprehending Engineers – Take Four

Q. What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

A. Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers – Take Five

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.

One said, It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.

Another said, No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections.

The last said, Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?

Comprehending Engineers – Take Six

Normal people believe that if it aint broke, dont fix it. Engineers believe
that if it aint broke, it doesnt have enough features yet.

Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

Comprehending Engineers – Take Seven

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
If you kiss me, Ill turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up
the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week. The engineer took the
frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, Ill
stay with you and do anything you want. Again the engineer took the frog
out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, What is the matter? Ive told you Im a beautiful
princess, that Ill stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why wont
you kiss me?

The engineer said, Look, Im an engineer. I dont have time for a girlfriend,
but a talking frog, now thats cool.

Comprehending Engineers – Take Eight

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible
problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They
had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no
avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so
many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge
machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small x in chalk on a
particular component of the machine and said, This is where your problem is.

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company
received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an
itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it
$49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Comprehending Engineers – Take Nine

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to
spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation
for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and
mystery he found there.

The engineer said, I like both.

Both? the others asked.

Yeah, the engineer replied. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and
get some work done.

Top executive of Big Construction Company:

Give me a brief summary of what is currently being done on the site.

Middle level manager:

Here… this fellow in the yellow hard hat is one of our employees,
Paddy OHara, and talking to him is the foreman, Washington Smith.
Mr. Smith requests that Mr. OHara take this long pipe and carry it to
that corner of the site, motivating his request with the fact that
Mr. OHara has been in intimate relationship with his own mother,
whereas Mr. OHara refuses to carry the pipe, motivating his refusal
with the fact that he is currently in intimate relationships with the pipe,
with Mr. Smith, with the construction site, and with Big Construction
Company.

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or youre out at first, you dont argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded."Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to your mother."

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, We dont serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.



The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.



The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, We dont serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.



The bear, very angry now, says, If you dont serve me a beer, Im going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.



The bartender says, Sorry, we dont serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings. The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.



He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, Sorry, we dont serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs.



The bear says, Im not on drugs.



The bartender says, You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.