Old and New Jokes

What did the black kid say as he slid down the zebras leg?

Now you see me now you dont! Now you see me now you dont!

If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?

A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on a vacation so he asked the man to take over while he was away. God told the man to give everyone a test before letting them into heaven. God leaves and a man comes floating up and says, Please let me in to heaven. The other man says, I have to give you a test first. The man coming into heaven says, Oh jeez Im not too good at tests! The other man says, Spell LOVE The man spells it, and he is let into heaven. Then a woman comes floating up and says, Please let me into heaven, and the man replies, Only if you pass this test. The woman says, Oh no, Im not very good at tests. The man says, Your test is to spell LOVE. She spells it correctly, and is let into heaven. The next person that comes floating up is the mans wife. She says, OK honey, let me in to heaven. The man says, I have to give everyone a test before I let them in to heaven. She says, OK, make it an easy one!!! Then the man says, Spell Hemorrhoid.

Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A: Well have a boo Christmas without you.

Estaba pepito afuera de una iglesia vendiendo palomitas:

¡Palomitas, palomitas!

Entonces el padre, ya enfadado de que Pepito no lo dejara seguir su sermón como se debía, ordenó:

¡Saquen a ese de las palomitas!

A lo que Pepito, muy serio, contesta:

¡No, mejor de las orejitas!

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?

A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when theyre on the train they can tell if theyre going to work or coming home.

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

Free Yorkshire Terrior.

8 years-old. Hateful little dog.

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Free Puppies:

1/2 Cocker Spaniel

1/2 Sneaky Neighbors Dog

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Free Puppies:

Part German Shepherd

Part Stupid Dog

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German Shepherd – 85lbs.

Neutered. Speaks German. Free!

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1 Man, 7 Women hot tub — $850/offer

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Amana Washer $100.

Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.

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Snow blower for sale.

Only used on snowy days.

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2 Wire mesh butchering gloves:

1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.

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Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box,

Comes with its own

1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto

Excellent Condition, $6,800.

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83 Toyota Hunchback — $2,000

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Star Wars Job of the Hut — $15

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Soft & Genital Bath Tissues

or Facial Tischue – $.89

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Full-Sized Mattress

20 Year Warranty

Like New! Slight urine smell.

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FREE 1 Can of Pork & Beans

With Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home

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Nordic Track $300

Hardly used. Call Chubbie.

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Bills Septic Cleaning

We Haul American Made Products

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Shakespeares Pizza – Free Chopsticks

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HUMMELS – Largest Selection Ever!

If its in stock, we have it!

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Get a Little John:

The Traveling Urinal

Holds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer.

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Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club

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Georgia Peaches

California Grown – $.89/lb.

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Nice Parachute

Never Opened – Used Once

Slightly Stained

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American Flag

60 Stars – Pole Included – $100

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Tired of Working for only $9.75 per hour?

We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.

Starting Pay: $7-9 per hour.

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Exercise Equipment

Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs – $175

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Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob!

And its made of 100% Italian Leather.

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Joining Nudist Colony!

Must Sell Washer & Dryer – $300

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Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty.

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Alzheimers Center Prepares

for an Affair to Remember

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Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell

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Open House!

Body Shapers Toning Salon

Free Coffee & Donuts

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Kelloggs Pot Tarts – $1.99/box.

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Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Mann $2.09/lb.

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FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.

45 volumes – Excellent condition.

$1,000.00 or best offer.

No longer needed.

Got married last weekend.

Wife knows everything.

Conversation at the grocers

– Good morning!

– Morning.

– What is that, please?

– Bananas.

– Are they fresh?

– Yes, they are fresh.

– Give me ten pounds, please.

– Okay, here you go.

– Thanks, but, uhh… could you please wrap each one of them?

– Yes, sure.

(couple of minutes)

– Here you go.

– Thanks. And, what is that, please?

– Oranges.

– Are they fresh?

– Yes, they are fresh.

– Give me ten pounds, please.

– Okay, here you go.

– Thanks, but, uhh… could you please wrap each one of them?

– Yes, sure.

(couple of minutes)

– Here you go.

– Thanks. And, what is that, please?

– Its poppyseed, motherfucker, but its not for sale!

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. Shetold them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammedthe door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact,bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the dooragain with the same result-the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude youngpeople were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that wouldteach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Maam, before you do that again, you needto move your cat."

Q: Why is Bill Clinton called middle of the road Democrat?
A: Because hes got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.