Old and New Jokes

Can there be, when you think about it, a more improbable sentiment than
Get fucked! We might as well snarl, Make a lot of money! or Have a nice
day!

–Bill Bryson, from The Mother Tongue, English & How It Got That Way

It was her first airplane trip, and Mrs Smith was determined to be nonchalant about the whole thing. After reading a magazine for a while, she yawned and glanced out the window.

My, she said to the man next to her, people look just like ants from this height.

Lady, replied her neighbour, we havent taken off yet. Those *are* ants.

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyers office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.I dont think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.I mean, what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.What makes you think that?
I got proof.What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
Polish Remover.

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

A blind man went to a lumber yard for a job.

The boss didnt want to just tell him no, so he told him that if he could pass a test, hed hire him.

He had one of his employees take him out back to identify some lumber. He brought the man to a pile of pine paneling, the man walked around the pile and sniffed, correctly identifying it as pine paneling.

The employee thought, How did he do that?

Next he took him to a pile of 2x4s. These he also correctly identified after sniffing around a bit. Now they were all amazed.

They decided it was time to trick him. They brought out the receptionist and laid her buck naked on her back.

The blind man walked around and sniffed.Obviously puzzled he walked around and sniffed and walked around and sniffed some more.

Scratching his head, he told them to flip it over. They did so and the sniffing continued. Suddenly he started laughing and said You think youve got me, dont you? Well I know what that is.

Thats the shit house door off of a tuna boat!

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

Maybe all I need is some fresh air, thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

Screw it, he thought.

Ill just crawl home.

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

You went out drinking last night, didnt you?

she said.

Uh, yes, he said sheepishly.

How did you know?

You left your wheelchair at the bar again.

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

Love comes in spurts.

1. If you think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach youre aiming too high.
2. Woman dont make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:youre sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says hes the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5. A womans work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one — they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
9. Men are all the same — they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners — he gets out of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is
married 12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men — a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving — theyd be wrong but you could still use them.
14. Men are like animals — messy, insensitive and potentially violent — but they make great pets.
15. Mens brains are like the prison system — not enough cells per man.
16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – dont and stop..
17. Husbands are like children — theyre fine if theyre someone elses.

This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat an cat idiot cat busy cat for cat 20 cat seconds cat.

Now read this over without the word cat.