Llega un borracho a la cantina:
Me da un whisky doble.
Se lo toma y le pregunta al cantinero:
Oiga, ¿los pingüinos viven en el Polo Sur, verdad?
Asà es, señor.
Está bien, tráigame otro whisky doble.
Después vuelve a preguntarle:
¿Y esos pingüinos son negros con blanco?
SÃ, señor.
Pide otro whisky doble y al rato:
Y los pingüinos miden menos de 90 cm, ¿cierto?
Asà es, 90 cm aproximadamente.
¡Ay, Dios mÃo, entonces acabo de atropellar a una monja enana!
One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted to commit suicide but unfortunately she did not know where her heart was.
So the old woman calls up her doctor and asked,Wheres my heart located?
On a woman, its usually located under her left breast, the doctor replied.
The next day the woman was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a gun shot wound to the knee.
One evening, a woman was working on completing a jingle to win a large cash prize from Carnation Milk. Carnation furnished the first line, I like Carnation best of all, and it was to be completed in 50 words or less.
A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk representative came to her door and told her her entry was the best, but it couldnt be published, and they were giving her a consolation award of $1,000.00.
Here is her entry:
I like Carnation best of all, No tits to pull, no shit to haul. No barns to clean, no hay to pitch, Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch.
Your dog comes back, you get your truck back, and your mama comes home from jail.
This guy was out playing his weekly round of golf when he hit
a shot into the trap off the 11th green. So he pulls out his sand wedge
and takes a swing at the ball only to hit something metallic underneath.
Being curious, he digs away the sand only to find what looks like Aladins
Lamp. Its kind of dirty, so he takes out his golf towel to clean it off.
All of a sudden… POOF! … a genie apears from the lamp and says,
Sir, you have freed me from the lamp! For this I will grant you 3 wishes!
The man thinks for a moment and says, You know, I have everything I could
possibly want. Give the wishes to someone else. He quickly putts out and
leaves for the 12th tee.
The genie is flabergasted. To think that someone in this world could feel
so fulfilled that he could pass up not just 1 but 3 wishes! I know what
Ill do. To reward him, Ill grant him 3 things without him knowing. Now
lets see. What does every man want? Money! He will have all the money
he can use. Power! Every man wants that. And what else? … Sex! All
that he wants.
A couple of weeks later the man is coming toward the 11th green and there
is the genie – sunning himself in the trap.
Genie: (feeling smug) Hey. Hows it going?
Man: Couldnt be better. Last week I raised over $1,000,000 and gave the
most spellbinding and effective talk of my life. It looks like Im
gaining more influence among my peers and superiors. Things are great.
Genie: If you dont mind me asking, hows your sex life?
Man: Its great. Ive had two women in the last two weeks.
Genie: (looking puzzled) TWO women? Thats not very good!
Man: It is if youre a priest in a small parish!
Jeff David
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said Im a doctor, I save lives, so I must live, and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, Im a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, My son, Ive lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my back pack.
Man: Hows your history paper coming?
Woman: Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and its been very helpful.
Man: Really?
Woman: Yes! Ive already located 17 people who sell them!
Save Water – Take a bath with your neighbors daughter
One day a cat loses its ninth life causes and goes to heaven.
There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know.
The cat thinks for a moment and says, Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.
The Lord stops the cat and says, Say no more and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again the Lord them and makes the same offer.
The mice answer, All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could fit us with roller skates so we dont have to run anymore?
The Lord says, No problem and suddenly each mouse has a beautiful pair of roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing happily on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes him and asks, How are things since you are here?
The cat slowly stretches out his legs. It’s wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected.†he replies, “And those Meals On Wheels you keep sending by are absolutely brilliant!!!
A husband said to his wife, I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it .
The wife said to her husband, I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it.