Old and New Jokes

Aug. 12 Moved to our new home in Montana. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see the snow covering them.

Oct. 14 Montana is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise! I love it here.

Nov. 11 Deer season will start soon. I cant imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight, I won. Than the snowplow came by. We had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place! I love Montana!!

Dec. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did its trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 More snow last night. Couldnt get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.

Dec. 21 More of that fucking white shit fell last night. Ive got blisters on my hands from shoveling snow. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until Im done shoveling the driveway. ASSHOLE!!

Dec. 25 Merry Fucking Christmas. More fucking snow!! If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear Ill kill the bastard. Dont know why they dont use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec. 27 More of the white shit last night. Been inside for three days except to shovel the driveway each time the fucking snowplow goes by. Cant go anywhere. Cars stuck in a mountain of that shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10 again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 is??

Dec. 28 The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 of that white shit this time. At this rate it wont melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck down the road and the ASSHOLE came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all that fucking white shit he had pushed into the driveway. I broke the seventh one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get groceries. On the way back, a fucking deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. About $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should all be killed. Wish the bunters had killed them all last November.

May 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe, the son-of-a-bitch is rusting out from all the salt they put on the roads??

May 10 Moved to Florida. Cant imagine why anyone in their right minds would ever want to live in that fucking state of Montana!!!!

bugs bunny taz and porky pig wanted a job as a builder so thay asked a man for a job as a builder the man said throw a brick off a scaffilding and say finshed before the brick hits the floor so bugs done it and said finshed then the brick hit the floor the builder said you have the job taz done the same he got the job porky droped the brick said ff ff fuck i hit him

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole. The grandfather replies, Ill bet you five dollars you cant. Its too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars. The grandfather replies, I know. Thats from your Grandma.

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother hes fallen in love and


that he is going to get married. He says, Just for fun, Ma, Im going


to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one Im going to


marry. The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits


them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, Okay,


Ma, guess which one Im going to marry. She immediately replies,


The one on the right. Thats amazing, Ma. Youre right. How did you


know? The Jewish mother replies, I dont like her.

Have you ever smelled mothballs????

I was just wondering how you would get their little legs open!!!!

Three – One to screw it in, one to say its the punkest thing he ever saw, and one to call him a sellout for doing it.

Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…

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Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout Yes! Yes! Yes! into the telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers. …



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Did you here about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
He couldnt get to sleep at night wondering if there really was a dog!

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, Looky thar up ahead Earl. Its a po-leece roadblock. Were gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!

Dont worry Bubba, Earl said. Well just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat.

What fer? asked Bubba.

Just let me do the talking, okay? said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, Have you boys been drinking? No sir. said Earl. Were on the patch.

Really Stupid People

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.