Old and New Jokes

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.


Pop, what are you talking about? the son screams.

We cant stand the sight of each other any longer, the old man says. Were sick of each other, and Im sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her, and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, Like heck theyre getting divorced, she shouts, Ill take care of this. She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, You are NOT getting divorced! Dont do a single thing until I get there. Im calling my brother back! , and well both be there tomorrow. Until then, dont do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. Okay, he says, Theyre coming for Passover and paying their own airfares.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

Q: How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Why dont you just let us take out the socket ? You arent using it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later.

What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess and a
computer?

A computer that never goes down on you.

None. Its much easier to cry in the dark.

I clean my house according to some simple principles that are easy to remember:

If you have just stepped on something and danced around in pain until you slipped on a magazine, it is probably time to pick up again.

If you find your scissors by feeling around your dining room table until you feel something hard of the correct shape, its time to clear off a few things.

If you need a gas mask to open your fridge, you might think about throwing away some of those leftovers.

If you drop your comb in the bathroom and you pick it up with more hair than is currently attached to your head, its time to sweep.

If the neighbors are circulating a petition about the state of your yard, you might consider cutting the grass – but only if youve failed to buy them off with a doll dress or two.

When sorting newspaper, ask yourself if anyone asked for it in the last six months (or the last time you sorted, whichever comes later). If no one has, throw it out.

If your feet stick walking across the kitchen floor, its time to mop.

If it takes more than 20 minutes to find your kids when you wake them up in the morning, its time to have them clean their rooms – use new doll dresses or Power Ranger stuff as incentives.

If you havent seen the floor of your car for a week because of the Happy Meal litter on the floor and wash me is written in the dust on the outside of the car, its time to take the hint.

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?


A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Seen on a parking space in a churchs parking lot in Edinburgh, IN

Clergy parking only – you park, you preach!

I am not the boss of my house. I dont know when I lost it. I dont know if I ever had it. But I have seen the bosss job and I do not wantit.

— Bill Cosby

(I remember this from a Playboy issue of many years ago.)

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come
back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks,
Am I the first man you ever made love to? She looks at him
thoughtfully for a second before replying. You might be, she
says. Your face looks familiar.