Old and New Jokes

Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.

Your moms like a screen door, the harder you slam her the looser she gets.

Jesus said: Love thy neighbor. (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: Dont be cruel. (RCA, 1956)

Jesus is the Lords shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 comeback TV special.

Jesus said, If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink. (John 7:37)
Elvis said, Drinks on me! (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)

Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

Matthew was one of Jesus many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)

[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow. (Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.

Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Mary, an important woman in Jesus life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.

Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus Father is everywhere.
Elvis father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis favorite high school class was wood shop.

Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

No one knows what the H in Jesus H. Christ stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis middle name was Aron or Aaron.

Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate.
Elvis face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV.

Jesus said: Man shall not live by bread alone.
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

Try Saras Tops

A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out of the plane and pulls the cord – nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells Oh! So you wanna race, huh?

Drop kick me, Jesus, through the goal-posts of life

Heard this morning on the national radio:

In USSR, a boy talking to his grand-father:

Boy: What is the Perestroika?

Grand-Father: You see these two buckets of coal? One is full and the
other one is empty.

B: Yes.

GF: Well… (he walks to the buckets and drop the coal from the full
bucket into the empty one)… This is the Perestroika.

B: But, this is the same thing.

GF: Yes, but did you hear the noise?

INTRODUCING the greatest and most powerful new chip out
of INTELs(TM) Microprocessor Labs: The Potato(TM) Chip.
Finally, with much fanfare, the newest upgrade to the
best selling Pentium(TM) processor is released. The
Potato(TM) Chip uses the latest in biochemical and
electonic engineering. This newly developed organic
microprocessor outshines the previous generation.
The Potato(TM) Chip has 100% more speed, 100% more memory,
1/10th the heat generation and 100000% more starch than
the traditional 200Mhz PentiumPro(TM) Chip.
The new Potato(TM) Chip will soon be available in several
flavors: Standard for the generic PC, Barbeque for those
engineers and scientists who need an extra kick, Cajun for
secretaries so that the engineers can drool over it, sour-cream and onions for the very low end user, and Low Sodium for the laptop market.
Soon a modified version of the Potato(TM) Chip will be
released for the Very High End Computing sector.
The new chip will be used in powerful parallel and
supercomputer systems. The chip will have a slightly
modified shape, color, and will be stackable. This
project is code named Pringles(TM).
Intel(TM) is beating out Motorola(TM) by two months
for its own new chip: The Tortilla(TM) Chip. Industry
insiders believe that the marketing hype for the
Tortilla(TM) chip is overblown. Motorolas(TM) new
chip is just too late and too underpowered compared
to the Intel processor. In addition, the Tortilla(TM)
is completely incompatible with the Potato(TM) Chip
and is based upon a very different technology.
For more information contact Intel sales at:
bitethischip@intel.com

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. Go get help., he pleads.

She replies, I cant, Im naked.

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says Cover your crotch with that and go get help. She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, HELP! HELP! My boyfriends stuck!

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, Im sorry Miss. Hes too far in.

Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?

A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?

A: Not enough cement.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?

A: Another lawyer.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How many can you afford?

Q: What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?

A: The vulture eventually lets go.

Person 1: Im beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.

Person 2: Why do you say that?

Person 1: Listen to this from his bill: For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00.

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.

Well, said the general, we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge–and boy, did they know how to charge.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, youre soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit.

The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said youre slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer.

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who decided in favor of the lawyer as follows: Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow.

God decided to take Satan to court and settle their differences once and for all.

When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, And where do you think YOURE going to find a lawyer?

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?

Really? the other replied, Why did you switch?

Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants dont get so attached to them; and third, there are some things even a rat wont do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human

beings.

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you its financially hard to get back on your feet.