Old and New Jokes

An actuary that works with my dad told him this one:

There are three types of actuaries, those who can count, and those who cant.

A Sardarni competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.

The French woman came in first, the English woman second.

The Sardarni finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, I dont want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms.

Living in the Northridge/San Fernando Valley area of Los Angeles, you still see a lot of earthquake damage and repairing going on. A couple of outdoor signs Ive noticed recently, in which lettering was probably shook loose by the quake, is rather humorous:

At SIMONES dRAPERY on Parthenia Street, the d fell off in drapery. It makes you wonder what Simones business really is now.

And at California State University, Northridge, the music complex faces Nordhoff Street. For a while there, the i was missing from RECiTAL HALL. It probably made many people wonder what the heck was being taught in that building, or what darn sounds are really coming from that building.

Have you heard the one about the homosexual who wanted to enlarge the circle of his friends?

Time to get a new fence!!!

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her husband. She doesnt know which one to get, so she goes to the cash register. Theres a Wal-Mart employee standing there with sunglasses on. She says,
Excuse me, sir…can you tell me anything about this rod and reel? He says, Maam, Im blind, but if youll drop it on the counter, I can tell
you everything about it. She doesnt believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, Thats a 6 graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line…Its a good all-around rod and reel and its
$20. She says, Its amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think its what Im looking for, so Ill take it. He walks behind the counter to the register. She bends
down to get her purse and she farts. At first shes embarassed but then realizes that theres no way he would know it was her because being blind, he wouldnt know she was the only person there. He rings up the
sale and says,That will be $25.50. She says, But didnt you say it was $20? He says, Yes Maam, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in the sink!

Garth Brooks and Billy Ray Cyrus are captured by terrorists.

They are brought up in front of a firing line. The head terrorist asks Billy Ray Cyrus for any last requests. To which Billy replies Well, I sure would like to sing _Achy Breaky Heart_ jus one more time!

The head terrorist says fair enough.

The head terrorist then asks Garth Brooks the same question. And Garth answers shot me first!

El profesor repartiendo las notas:

Luisito un diez. Pedrito un ocho. Juanito un seis. Jaimito un cero.

Oiga profe. ¿Y por qué a mí un cero?

Por que te has copiado el examen de Pedrito.

¿Y usted como lo sabe?

Porque las cuatro primeras preguntas están iguales, en la última pregunta Pedrito respondió ESA NO ME LA SE y tu has puesto YO TAMPOCO.

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the stores opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colurful curse. On the mans second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.

As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, That does it! If they hit me one more time, I wont open the store!