Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesnt matter, they dont have any electricity anymore.
10
Apr
09
Apr
This woman of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy. The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.
After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.
The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctors office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.
The doctor replied, Lady those arent bags, theyre your tits and if you dont stop turning those screws youre going to have a beard!
09
Apr
A camel is a horse designed by committee.
A brontosaurus is a salamander designed to Mil-Spec.
09
Apr
Yo mama so dumb, she makes George Bush look smart.
09
Apr
A wag who was well known for his practical jokes and who had played the most diabolical tricks on his friends over the years was about to get married himself and was therefore very nervous. Would his friends get their revenge?
He was in a sweat when th evicar announced: Is there any reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matimony?, and despite his constant fear the ceremony and the wedding reception went without water pistols or rude telegrams. They even got to their hotel without incident.
Next morning the groom called room service, This is Mr Johnson in room 502. Id like to order breakfast for two
At this point a voice from under the bed said Better make that five!
08
Apr
Theres this cowboy who arrive in a little town, enters the saloon and screams: I want a woman, I wanna fuck! Welcome , says the owner, We have Rosy the Red who fucks like three witches for only $30.
Shes wonderful, says the cowboy , but I dont have so much No problem, for $20 Blondie the Blond sucks your cock out of your underwear! Shes pretty, but I dont have so much.
No problem, for $10 Terry the Terrible will keep your cock in her hand til morning! Shes nice, but I dont have…
How much the fuck you have?
Er…a quarter! All right: room 22, upstairs.
The cowboy runs upstairs, opens the door of room 22, and on the bed sees a nice young woman lying with her legs wide open; he jumps on her and begins fucking. After ten minutes he goes downstairs and asks the owner: I…I think Ive got a problem.
What about?
Well, you know the young lady in room 22…I was having fun on her, and suddenly she turned her face and threw up a white mass…
Oh, shit! John !, screams the owner to his butler, go change the corpse in room 22: its full again!!
08
Apr
1. Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
A. Just in case they get a hole in one.
2. Golfer: Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: I didnt realize you had played before, sir!
3. Golfer: My wife says if I dont stop playing golf shes going to leave me!
Caddy: Im sure you will miss her terribly, sir!
4. Golfer: Well caddy, do you like my game?
Caddy: Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf.
08
Apr
All American cars are basically Chevrolets.
08
Apr
Excerpted from the book Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest, (c) 1996 by John J Kohut and Roland Sweet
Anchorage, Alaska, requested an exemption from an Environmental Protection Agency rule requiring cities to remove at least 30 percent of organic waste from incoming sewage before treating it. Officials pointed out that the city had so little organic waste to begin with that its sewage before treatment than most cities sewage after treatment. The EPA, nevertheless, insisted that the city comply with the rule, forcing it to have to pay fish processors to dump unused fish parts into city sewers so there would be enough organic waste to remove.
08
Apr
Not a bunch of goody-goodies, the folks at the California Milk Processor Board want you to think raunchy, think wanton, think naughty, think milk. A survey for June, National Dairy Month, reports hidden milk drinkers behaviors:
- When no one is looking, 59 percent of Californians admit to slugging directly from the carton.
- A sheepish 31 percent have finished the last of the milk and put the empty carton back in the refrigerator.
- An embarrassed 39 percent report that they have, on occasion, blown milk out their noses.
- While a co-worker slaves away at his desk, 22 percent have borrowed someone elses milk from the office refirgerator.
- A smug 14 percent say that they have made milk a part of their sex lives. Which leaves 86 percent wondering how the heck they do it.
The article continues with….
The Physics of Law…
Its not whether you win or lose, its where you put your desk. The Association of Defense Council in San Francisco held a recent seminar for law firm administrators on _feng shui_, the ancient Chinese art of placement that puts a rooms inhabitants in harmony with nature.
Lawyers deal with conflict all day, seminar leader Katherine Metz said. If their environment invites conflict, as well, theyll end up with disarray, blowups, personalities clashing, clients departing.
Some tips from Metz, as reported in California Lawyer:
- Avoid sharp corners facing your desk; they result in stress.
- Dont sit under an exposed beam; it will weigh you down psychologically.
- Dont sit with your back to a door or window; that increases anxiety and decreases power.
- Rest rooms shouldnt be located in the middle of the office; they drain energy.
- Wear red and green if you are defending someones good name. Red stands for reputation; green enhances power.
One has to wonder how much common sense it takes to avoid designing a toilet into the middle of an office and how much common sense it takes to avoid Herb Tarlick as a defense attorney. Hmmmm…..? I think I smell a Government grant in action. But right now, Im experiencing an overwhelming urge to blow milk out my nose. You figure it out…