When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. When he got out to clean the car, it floated away.
Police were able to retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an officer on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver because you cant ticket a guy for being stupid …
Hamlets Cats Soliloquy
To go outside, and there perchance to stay Or to remain within: that is the question: Whether tis better for a cat to suffer The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather That Nature rains on those who roam abroad, Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet, And so by dozing melt the solid hours That clog the clocks bright gears with sullen time And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state A wish to venture forth without delay, Then when the portals opened up, to stand As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep; To choose not knowing when we may once more Our readmittance gain: aye, theres the hairball; For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob, Or work a lock or slip a window-catch, And going out and coming in were made As simple as the breaking of a bowl, What cat would bear the households petty plagues, The cooks well-practiced kicks, the butlers broom, The infants careless pokes, the tickled ears, The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will, He might his exodus or entrance make With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear, Or strays trespassing from a neighbors yard, But that the dread of our unheeded cries And scratches at a barricaded door No claw can open up, dispels our nerve And makes us rather bear our humans faults Than run away to unguessed miseries? Thus caution doth make house cats of us all; And thus the bristling hair of resolution Is softened up with the pale brush of thought, And since our choices hinge on weighty things, We pause upon the threshold of decision.
Bill went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument. He said, George, what should I do? After a few seconds George replied, Abolish the IRS and start over. Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging.
Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said Tom, what should I do? After a few seconds Tom replied, Abolish welfare and start over.
Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, Abe, what should I do? After a few seconds Abe replied Why dont you take the night off and go to the theater?
Joe and Moe were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak. While standing at the urinal Joe confessed, I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his.
Moe looked over and pointed out, But youre holding yours with four fingers.
I know, said Joe with a sigh, but Im peeing on three of them.
Cierto dÃa, se reúnen todos los puntos para hacer una fiesta. De pronto, aparece una coma y entra como si nada; se acercan unos puntos y le reclaman:
¡Oye, tú! ¿No sabes que ésta es una fiesta solamente de puntos?
“Tranquilos, amigos, soy un punto, lo que pasa es que me dejé crecer el peloâ€, se defiende la coma.
Cierto dÃa se encuentra Pepito acostado en su cama, cuando siente que le empiezan a picar los zancudos, entonces va corriendo con su mamá y le dice:
¡Mamá, mamá, me están picando los mosquitos!
Y la mamá le dice:
No te apures hijito, solamente espántalos y ya no pasa nada.
Entonces el niño la obedece y los espanta agitando sus manitas, cuando de repente ve pasar unas luciernagas, y se sale corriendo de su cuarto gritando muy asustado:
¡Mamá, mamá, ahora me están buscando con linternas!
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
Whats the matter? grumbled the boss. Havent you got a sense of humor?
I dont have to laugh, she replied. Im leaving Friday.
Money cant buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
The Geography of a Woman
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Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blairs a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
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Between the ages of 15 – 70 a man is like Zimbabwe – ruled by a dick.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL
C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN