Old and New Jokes

You know youre in Sydney, Australia, when…

• Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings but none are visible.

• You earn over $100,000 and still cant afford a house.

• You never bother looking at the bus timetable because you know the drivers have never seen it.

• You cant remember… is dope illegal?

• Youve been to more than one baby shower (wetting the babys head) that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

• You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

• A great parking space can move you to tears.

• Your childs Year Three teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named Breeze. And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.

• You get used to signs at zebra crossings that say, Pedestrians give way to traffic.

• You are thinking of taking an adult class but you cant decide between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational Mandarin or a building your own website class.

• You get used to the fact that drivers have never heard of the road code and start running red lights, not bothering to indicate lane changes and never, ever, giving way to anyone else – especially if the other has the right of way.

• A man walks down the main street in full leather regalia and crotchless pants. Nobody takes any notice.

• You keep a list of companies to boycott.

• Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay and your Avon lady is a guy in drag.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

43. Put horse radish in your roommates shoes.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The Society of the Paranormal was having a convention in town and there were many attendees. The president of the society was at the podium delivering the opening address to all who were there in body and in spirit, and he asked the question:

Who of you have had the occasion to see a ghost?. There was a showing of perhaps forty hands, to which the speaker asked,

Who of you have had the occasion to speak with a ghost?. Once again the conventioneers raised hands, counting thirty or so.

Then the question, Who of you have had the occaison to have actually touched a ghost?, to which about ten hands were waved about. The speaker paused for a moment, and then delivered another query,

Who of you have had the occasion to have sex with a ghost?, and in the far back of the auditorium a lone hand was raised.

Would the usher please escort that individual with his hand raised to the stage? I simply must inquire further.

And with a couple of moments delay the man was brought forward, who incidentally turned out to be a wee Scotsman in full kilt no less. When the Scot arrived on stage, the speaker asked him, Well Sir, tell us what it was like to have sex with a ghost., to which the man replied, Ghost? Laddie, I thought ye said goat!.

No matter how hard you step on someone elses feet, your own feet never hurt.

Two boys were playing hockey on the pond on Boston Common, when one is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dogs collar and twist, luckily breaking the dogs neck and stopping the attach.


A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. Young Bruins Fan Saves friend from Vicious Animal… he starts writing in his notebook. But, Im not a Bruins Fan, the little hero replied. Sorry, since were in Boston, I just assumed you were, said the reporter and starts again. Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack… he continues to write in his notebook. Im not a Red Sox fan either! The boy said. I assumed everyone in Boston was either a Bruins or Red Sox fan. So, what team do you root for? the reporter asked. Im a Yankees fan! the child beamed. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet.

What did one undertaker say to the other? Pass me another cold one!

A blonde dies and goes to the pearly gates of heaven to meet Saint Peter…

He first tells her that the only way she can get through the gate is to pass a quite simple test.

What is The Son Of Gods name? He asked.

She thought for a minute rubbing her chin in deep thought. Andy! She bursted out with a gleaming smile.

No, Imm sorry that is incorrect, what made you say that? He asked.

She starts singing… Andy walks with me, andy talks with me, andy tells me…

The Gutter-Mind Test!

1). What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?

2). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3). What can you find in a mans pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

4). What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

5). Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?

6). What does a dog do that you can step into?

7). What is a 4-letter word that begins with f and ends with k, and if you cant get one you can use your hands?

8). What is hard,six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

9). What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?

10). What is it that all men have one of; its longer on some men than on others; the pope doesnt use his; and a man gives it to his wife after theyre married?

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*** The Correct Answers ***

1. talk

2. legs

3. a twenty dollar bill

4. firetruck

5. bunt, hunt,runt, punt, aunt

6. pants

7. fork

8. Almond Joy candy bar

9. grit

10. last name

Probably everyone have heard about the Napster – Metallica thing… where Metallica got 300.000 (?) napster users banned.

View the joke about it (ShockWave file):

Original location
Copy at Huumor.Com

A hillarious parody comic about this, ca 600 KB.