(A friend of mine says this is original. For more information, call the
Bobdo BBS at 215-386-0350.)
Did you hear–theyre coming out with a new Catholic edition of Playboy?
It has the same centerfold as the regular edition, but you have to pull it
out at just the right moment.
There was once a couple in their seventies who, nevertheless, had a baby. Of course the newspaper sent out a reporter to take and picture and write a story about this unusual event, but when he arrived the couple told him that he would have to wait until the baby woke up before taking the picture.
Meanwhile the local radio station sent out a crew to get a story of the baby and his elderly parents. They, too, were told that they would have to wait until the baby woke up before they could see the baby.
The news of this miraculuous event had, meanwhile, spread far and wide, and CNN news sent a crew to get a story and take pictures of the baby and his parents. This crew, also, was told that they would have to wait for the baby to wake up before they could take pictures.
Then one of the group asked why they would have to wait; surely they could see and take pictures of the baby even if he were asleed. Well, the parents said, you will have to wait until the baby wakes up and cries, because we have forgotten where we put him.
A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, I gotta have you!
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her.
He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, That was the best, honey. Youve never moved like that before, you didnt hurt yourself did you?
His wife replies, No, no. Ill be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass.
Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.
One of the men walked into the office and said, We need some four-by-twos.
The clerk asked, You mean two-by-fours, dont you?
The man said, Ill go check, and went back to the truck.
He returned shortly and said, Yeah, I meant two-by-four.
All right. How long do you need them?
The customer paused for a moment and said, Id better go check.
After a while, he returned to the office and said, –
A long time. Were gonna build a house…
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead,
Now she takes it to school
Between two slices of bread.
A guys driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying Apples – $
5.00 each. He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see whats up.
He goes up to the farmer and says, Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each? The farmer replies, They are peanut butter and jelly apples. The farmer hands him one and says, Here, try one.
So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, Peanut butter – thats great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples.
The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims son of a gun – jelly! The man says, These apples are great – give me some!
He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign Apples – $10 each. Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, Hey, whats up with these apples?
The farmer says, Theyre ham and cheese apples. Here, try one.
The guy takes a bit and exclaims, Son of a gun – ham! The guy then says, Let me guess – I have to turn it around.
The farmer says You got it. The guy bites the other side and says, Cheese. Again the man says, These apples are great – give me some.
Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says Apples – $50 each. The guy really wants to see whats up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, Whats the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?
The farmer tells him that These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one.
The guy takes a bite out of it and says, Yuck! This apple tastes like shit!
The farmer says, Turn it around!
Smiles (there is a mile between the two Ss)
486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art: Any computer you cant afford.Obsolete: Any computer you own. Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3: Apples new Macs that make you say Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago. Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced gooey) Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. Sorry, but you cant take your wealth with you. The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, Hold on, you cant bring that in here! But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, Youre right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but Im supposed to check its contents before letting it through.
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, You brought pavement?!!!