Gravity – Its not just a good idea, its the LAW!
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Life is too complicated in the morning.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
Nobodys perfect. Im a Nobody.
My wife said If you go hunting or fishing one more time Im going to leave you …Im sure going to miss her.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Todays subliminal message is: ( )
Dont get lost in the shuffle, shuffle along with the lost.
There was a little boy who prayed every night for two weeks, asking God for $100. When he got no response, he thought it would be a good idea to write to God and see if that worked.
The post office received the letter addressed to GOD, USA, they decided that it would be best to just forward the letter to President Clinton.
The president read the letter and thought it was cute, so he asked his secretary to send the boy $5, thinking the boy would think that was a lot of money.
When the boy got the letter, he was so excited that he sat down immediately to write a thank-you letter. Dear God, he wrote, Thank you very much for the money you sent. I suppose it is to be expected, but I thought you should know that when you sent it through Washington, D.C., the bastards deducted $95.
Heres a hypothetical situation:
I drove home late last night and drove over the neighbours
cat. What should I do?
(a) hide the cat and let them think it ran away?
(b) wedge the cat under the neighbors tire so they think
they did it?
(c) paint a hexagram on their front lawn and put the cat
in the middle so they think that crazy Satanists did it?
(d) throw the cat into my other neighbours yard?
(e) tell them that the cat will come back?
(f) claim that I had the right of way and the cat
had no business running in front of the car when it
obviously knew I was going to accelerate?
(g) put the cat in the garborator so there isnt any
evidence?
(h) put the cat in a tree, call the fire department
and let them try to explain it?
(i) explain that when cats get to a certain age
they just lie around a lot and smell bad?
(j) tell them that I ran over their cat with my car?
(l) move away?
(m) buy them a new cat that looks exactly like it?
(n) drive over the rest of the cats in the neighbourhood
and claim that I was on a mission from god?
(r) send them a bill for services rendered?
(t) have the cat stuffed and put it on their front
lawn so they wont notice a thing?
(u) mail it to them so they blame it on the postal
service?
(v) blow it up?
(w) say that I saw space aliens land a flying saucer
on top of it just before they got out and took
my socks?
(x) I dont know?
(y) why not?
(z) claim a heard of African zebras stampeded
my car causing me to swerve and hit the cat?
Tis the night before Christmas, I thought with a frown.
I was stuck at the office. The network was down.
The routers were hung in the closet. All crashed.
Their tables had holes in their data. All trashed.
Remote distribution, it seems, just for fun,
Had erased DLLs Windows needed to run
On 84 desktops way down in accounting.
I sat stunned at my desk, my blood pressure mounting.
When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter,
I saw that a server had something the matter.
There was smoke coming out of the main hard disk drive.
No problem, I thought. Im set up with RAID 5.
But I found out the system I thought was unstoppable
Had disk drives that turned out completely unswappable!
No problem, I thought. Ive tape backup to thank.
And then I discovered my backups were blank.
The UPS burped, and its lights all went out.
I started to scream! I started to shout!
But nobody heard as I vented my rage.
My gurus were all on vacation those days.
And nobodys tech support answered the phone.
I was nose deep in trouble, completely alone.
When out at reception, I heard a soft knock.
As the hands just touched midnight on my desktop clock.
Whats your problem? he asked.
Never mind, friend, I know.
I checked out your network five hours ago.
I did some proactive analysis, so
I knew that this time bomb was going to blow.
Who was this guy? Who did he think he was?
He was dressed in red coveralls, white beard, black gloves.
His eyes had the twinkle of technical genius.
His smile cut down personal distance between us.
He spread out his tools, and went straight to his work.
Whoever configured this networks a jerk,
He said with a 🙂 as he quickly rebooted,
Uploaded some software, and smoothly rerouted
The LAN to a WAN that he quickly supplied
With bandwidth at least 20 gigabits wide
That went via wireless, I think, LEO,
To tech support elves waiting at the North Pole.
Now bridging, now routing, now Ethernet hubs!
He chanted as each piece of hardware he rubbed.
Cheer up, my good friend! Lose that mindset so tragic!
Technology often looks just like some magic
To people who dont understand what we do.
Now a switch, emulation, now middleware glue!
Look at the protocols, check one or two,
Debug a bit, test a bit, presto! Were through!
My data was back! Every system checked out!
Tears of joy wet my face as I wandered about.
How can I thank you? You must be Saint Nick!
He said, Really, my friend, its not such a great trick,
If you dont give up hope, focus on what youre doing,
And read all your issues of NETWORK COMPUTING.
And I heard him exclaim, as his reindeer were coursing,
Merry Christmas to all! And consider outsourcing!
There were four 80-year old men playing golf. One complained the hills were to high. The second complained the bunkers were too deep. The third said the holes were too wide. The fourth one said, Shut up! At least were still on the right side of the grass!
Farmer OReilly and Farmer Murphy met in the pub.
What did you give your Bull when it was ill with the colic? asked OReilly.
A good dose of Phenyl said Murphy
A week later they met in the pub again.
What did you say you gave your Bull with the colic? said OReilly
Phenyl said Murphy
Well, I gave phenyl to my Bull and it died! said OReilly.
So did mine said Murphy.
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.
The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, Are you crazy? Youll never be able to outrun that bear!
I dont have to, the first lawyer replied. I only have to outrun you.
A sergeant-major in the Paras was giving a lecture to some raw recruits.
If you want to be part of this regiment, he shouted at them, then you need to have COMMITMENT! What do you need?
COMMITMENT, sergeant-major! the recruits all shouted back.
Right, I shall now demonstrate my COMMITMENT to this regiment.
The sergeant-major then ordered one of the men to open a nearby door. Almost as soon as the squaddie turned the handle, the door was pushed open and in slithered a ten-foot-long alligator, snarling and snapping. The sergeant-major then undid his belt and dropped his trousers. Almost as soon as he did so, the alligator ran up and sank his teeth right into the sergeant-majors love truncheon. The sergeant-major barely winced. This, he shouted. is what we in the Parachute Regiment call COMMITMENT! He weaited several seconds more to make his point and then swiftly jabbed the alligator in both eyes with his fingers.
The alligator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the sergeant-major.
That, you orrible bunch, is what we in the Paras call COMMITMENT. Now which one of you orrible little men is ready to demonstrate his COMMITMENT?
There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring until finally one young lad stepped forward. I, will sergeant-major, he said but youve got to promise not to poke me in the eyes.