Old and New Jokes

One time, Mark Bookspan accidentally shot himself in the stomach while hunting and peed blood for a week.

Dear Sir:

Previous records indicate that you hold shares in the follwing companies: Continental Can Co., Western Water CO., Northern Tissue Co., and Interstate Gas Co.

Because of uncertain market conditions at the time, we recommend that you sit tight on the Continental Can, hold your water, and let your gas go. You will be interested to know that today, Northern Tissue touched a new bottom and thousands were wiped clean.

Yours truly,

Squatt & Leavitt

Yo mama so fat shes got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Modem – What you did to your fields last July

A guy farted oops!

Q: What is the blondes chronic speech impediment?

A: She cant say No.

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the
private businesses that they were protecting. Feeling the heat from
the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job ; if he
were to get caught, he wouldnt be able to communicate to the police
what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets
greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia
soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods
after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The
deaf collector cant communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy
to an interpreter.

The mafia hood says to the interpreter, Ask him where da money is.
The interpreter signs,Wheres the money?

The deaf replies, I dont know what youre talking about.

The interpreter tells the hood,He says he doesnt know what youre
talking about

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector.
NOW ask him where the money is.

The interpreter signs, Where is the money?

The deaf replies, The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park.

The interpreters eyes light up and says to the hood,
He says he still doesnt know what youre talking about, and doesnt think
you have the balls to pull the trigger.

Se hunde una embarcación, y un hombre agarrado a un tronco se salva. Flotando, a lo lejos, mira una negra cabellera en el mar y la atrae hacia él. El naufrago descubre que es una mujer viva, la toma del cuello y juntos llegan a una isla desierta.

Al llegar a la isla descubre que se trata de Salma Hayek. Por salvarla y estar en una isla desierta ella se entrega con pasión total. Pasa un año sin que los rescaten y ella empieza a notar que él cada día está más triste, por lo que le cuestiona la razón de su tristeza. El tipo no contestaba, hasta que un día, de tanto insistir la mujer, el hombre la lleva al baúl de ropa que rescataron del naufragio y le dice:

Te voy a pedir que te vistas con este pantalón, esta camisa y sombrero de hombre; además, que te pongas este bigote postizo.

A Salma esto le pareció un tanto extraño, pero como se trataba de la felicidad del hombre que le salvó la vida, aceptó. Para darle un toque final, el hombre le pinta una espesa barba a la Hayek. Después la invita a caminar por la playa; Salma, más extrañada aún, no sabe ni que hacer. En eso, el hombre rompe el silencio y dice:

¡Oye, compadre, ni te imaginas a quien me estoy cogiendo!

A woman went to the doctors office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.



An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.



The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, Whats the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?



The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, Does she still have the hiccups?

Q. Why did God give man a penis?

A. So wed have at least one way to shut a woman up!

Q. What are the small bumps around a womans nipples for?

A. Its Braille for suck here.

Q. Whats the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?

A. Lipstick.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?

A. They cant stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?

A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Q. Whats the difference between your wife and your job?

A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q. How is a women like a condom?

A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q.Whats the difference between a 90s woman and a computer?

A. A 90s woman wont accept a three and a half inch floppy.