Old and New Jokes

La mujer es el único elemento matemático que cumple con las cuatro funciones básicas que son:

1. Suma gastos.

2. Resta alegrías.

3. Multiplica los problemas.

4. Divide las opiniones.

El once ha pasado a ser un número inquietante. Podréis decir que es casualidad forzada o simplemente una tontería, pero lo que está claro es que hay cosas al menos interesantes. Y es que el mundo cuando confabula, confabula de verdad…

1) New York City tiene 11 letras.

2) Afghanistan tiene 11 letras.

3) The Pentagon o El Pentágono tienen 11 letras, EN ESPAÑOL E INGLES.

4) Ramsin Yuseb (Terrorista que atentó contra las torres gemelas en 1993) tiene 11 letras.

5) George W. Bush tiene 11 letras.

6) El código de área para llamadas a IRAK es 119, que sumado da 1+1+9=11.

Hasta aquí, meras coincidencias o casualidades forzadas. Ahora empieza lo interesante…

1) Nueva York es el estado número 11 de la Unión Americana.

2) El primero de los vuelos estrellados contra las Torres Gemelas era el número 11.

3) El vuelo 11 llevaba a bordo 92 personas, que sumando las cifras dan 9+2= 11.

4) El vuelo 77, que también se estrelló, llevaba a bordo 65 personas, que sumando dan 6+5 = 11.

5) La tragedia tuvo lugar el 11 de septiembre, es decir, el 11 del 9, que sumado da 1+1+9=11.

6) La fecha coincide con el número de emergencia estadounidense el 911. Que sumado 9+1+1=11.

Y aquí empieza lo inquietante…

1) Las víctimas totales que fallecieron en los aviones son 254. 2+5+4=11.

2) El día 11 de Septiembre, es el día número 254 del año. 2+5+4=11.

3) A partir del 11 de septiembre restan 111 días para que finalice el año.

4) El famoso Nostradamus (11 letras) profetiza la destrucción de Nueva York en la centuria número 11 de sus versos… Tenebroso ¿verdad?

Pero lo más chocante de todo es que si nos fijamos en las torres gemelas, nos damos cuenta de que sin duda tenían forma de un gigantesco número 11.

yo mamas so stupid she has no legs and said lets kick it

Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

Bad Golfer: Whack! Damn!
Bad Skydiver: Damn!! Whack!!

Three nuns went to a football game and three men got stuck sitting behind them. The men couldnt see very well because of the nuns little nun hats. So they came up with a plan to make them leave. I think Ill move to California, theres only 50 Catholics there," said the first man."I think Ill move to Washington, theres only 25 Catholics there. "I think Ill move to Idaho, theres only 10 Catholics there. Then one of the nuns turned around."Go to Hell, there are NO Catholics there."

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy

rushes in and says, Guess what guys, Ive won a trip to see the Pope!

Everyone gets all excited and chants, We finally get to ask him, we

finally get to ask him.

The next day, theyre all standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front

of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, Go

ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, Do you have a question to ask me,

young man? Dopey looks up shyly and says, Well, yes.

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.

Dopey asks, Well, do….do they have nuns in Alaska?

The Pope replies, Well, yes, Im sure we have nuns in Alaska.

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!

The Pope asks Dopey if theres more to his question, and Dopey continues, Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?

To which the Pope replies, Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska,

yes.

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!

The Pope asks Dopey, Is there still more to your question?

To which Dopey replies, Well, uh, yeah…..are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns

in Alaska?

The startled Pope replies, Well, no, my son, I really dont think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska.

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!

Communications Decency Act

The government of the United States has passed a law which makes it a crime to transmit indecent materials over the Internet. As a citizen of this great country I plan to fully comply with that law.

From now on, whenever I get the urge to use an offensive word in e-mail I will substitute the name of an offensive politician. I urge you to do the same.

The beauty of this approach is that they cant easily ban these new naughty words without changing their own names. I know I could get in trouble for suggesting such a thing, but I dont give a flying Buchanan what they think. And if they dont like it they can come over here and kiss my Gingrich.

Element
Woman

Chemical symbol
Wo

Discoverer
Adamov Eden

Atomic mass
Accepted as 53.659 kg but known to vary from 40 to 200 kg.

Occurrences
Copious quantities in urban areas.

Physical properties

Surfaces usually covered in painted film.
Boils at nothing, known to freeze without known reason.
Melts if given special treatment.
Bitter if incorrectly used.
Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

Chemical properties

Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
May explode spontaneously, without prior warning for no known reason.
Insoluble in liquids but activity increases greatly if saturated in
alcohol.
Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common uses

Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can be great aid to relaxation.
Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests

Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
Turns green when placed near a better specimen.

Hazards

Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
Illegal to possess more than one sample, although several can be
maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into
direct contact with one another, if they do, evacuate the room
immediately and preferably do not return to the location of
exposure for about 10 years!
Highly volatile if exchanged for a newer sample.

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.



He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?



The drunk looks back and says, Yes, Preacher, I sure am.



The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

Have you found Jesus? the preacher asked.

Nooo, I didnt! said the drunk.



The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, Now, brother, have you found Jesus?

Noooo, I have not, Reverend.



The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?



The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher…

Are you sure this is where he fell in?

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None; Californians dont screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs!