A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in the midst of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom. He demandingly asked, What on earth are you doing?!?!!
The wife turned to the other man and replied, See, I told you he was as dumb as a post.
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my penis I will keep, And if I wake and it is gone, I hope to find it on the lawn.
I hope the dog thats running free, Doesnt see that little part of me, Many precautions I must take, To keep this part I love to shake.
Much attention I must pay, To assure I put the knives away, The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too, Why theres no telling what shed do.
To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe, away from harm, So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes, and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.
I am the most beautiful person in the world, proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
No, youre not, answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.
I am the smallest person in the world, shouted Tom Thumb.
No, youre not, said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan
I have had more lovers than any person in the world, announced Don Juan.
No, you havent replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming.
I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so.
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.
I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees.
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, Who the hell is Bill Clinton
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
121. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Policeman
sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. He thinks to himself, This
driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he
notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front and three in the back
of the car – wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I dont understand, I was
doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?
Maam, the officer replies, you werent speeding, but you should know that
driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.
Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly –
twenty-two miles an hour, the old woman said proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22
was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned
and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
But before I let you go, Maam, the officer says, I have to ask… Is
everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they havent
muttered a single peep this whole time.
Oh, theyll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.
(An amusing anecdote from the Jan 26 San Jose Mercury News.)
Nearly everyone knows that Judith Martin, better known as Miss
Manners, the syndicated columnist, is exceedingly correct. Last
week, she saw an advertisement in the newspaper that a Maryland
jewelry store was having a sale in her silver pattern. Upon arriving
at the store, she told the jeweler she was looking for additional
dessert spoons in her pattern and had been making do with the larger
soup spoons.
Thats not much of a hardship, the employee said. It is
for me, Martin responded. Caught up in the moment, the saleswoman
joked, Who do you think you are, Miss Manners? The easily
recognizable Miss Manners looked at the woman, unable to respond. And
then it registered. Oh my God! the saleswoman said.
Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
What do Monica and Bill have in common. ?
They both have had joints in their mouth.
I heard this from my mother–I dont know where she heard it.
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out
and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears
some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of
his trunk!
He runs around and yells, Hey, bud, this is my car!
OK, the man says, You take the front and Ill take the back.
A cavalry batallion has just been assigned a new Sargeant. The guy is a mean s.o.b. who wants to whip the troops into shape. He commands that they clean up the base.
Right before he leaves, the sargeant sees this ratty old nasty horse and says, And for Gods sakes… get rid of this old horse.
Later that night a private comes to the sargeant and pleads his case. Sarge, I know that old horse is nasty but theres no women around and the old horse is the only thing we got.
The sargeant sympathizes and allows them to keep the horse. A few weeks later the sarge is gettin the old itch, so he decides hes gonna give it a shot. He says, Private… prepare the horse.
He gets up on a stool and really has his way with this horse. When he finishes he says, So private, is that the way the men do it?
The private responds, Well Sir… we usually ride it into town to the whorehouse but I guess that could work too…