Old and New Jokes

I cant find a cause for your illness, the doctor said. Frankly, I think its due to drinking. In that case, replied his patient, Ill come back when you are sober.

A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the football team. The coach asked him if he could tackle and he said, "Hell yah, get a load of this!" And with that knocked over a telephone pole as if it were made of balsa wood.The coach was dumbfounded and asked if the boy could run, to which the boy replied, "Hell yah!" and he sprinted from endzone to endzone like lightning.The coach stood there with his mouth agape to see such a huge boy run so fast. He finally composed himself and said, "But can you pass a football?"The freshman stopped to think for a few seconds, then said, "Hell yah, if I can swallow it, I can surely pass it!"

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked. The other customers were very confused and some very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, Sir, what are you doing!?! The man turned toward the teller and simply said Looking around.

Se encontraba Juan trabajando, cuando les informan que al siguiente día les practicarían un examen anti-doping en el trabajo. Preocupado porque pudiera salir negativo va a su casa y le pide orines a su esposa. El dia del examen entrega los orines de su esposa.

A la semana en el trabajo los forman a todos en la puerta del jefe, y el los hace pasar de uno por uno. Al primero solo le dijo, está despedido, al segundo, siga trabajando, al tercero, está despedido, y así sucesivamente, dependiendo de la persona.

Pero cuando entra juan le dice, ¡Felicidades!, y el muy animado contesta:

¿Me va a dar un aumento?

No.

Etonces ¿por qué me felicita?

Porque está usted embarazado y despedido.

1. Cats do what they want, when they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. Theyre totally unpredictable. 4. They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play they want to be left alone. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8. Theyre moody. 9. They leave their hair everywhere. 10. They drive you nuts. Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

a: Whats a light bulb?

H. L. Menckens Law: Those who can, do. Those who cant, teach. Martins Extension: Those who cannot teach, administrate.

Whats the difference between St. Patricks Day and Martin Luther King Day?

On St. Patricks Day everyone wishes they were Irish.

In Prison:
You spend your time in an 8 x 10 cell

At Work:
You spend your time in an 6 x 8 cubicle

In Prison:
You get three free meals a day

At Work:
You get one break for a meal you pay for

In Prison:
A guard locks and unlocks all doors for you

At Work:
You carry a security card, you unlock the doors

In Prison:
You get to watch TV and play games

At Work:
You get fired for watching TV and playing games

In Prison:
You get your own toilet

At Work:
You have to share

In Prison:
Family and friends are allowed to visit

At Work:
Youre not allowed to speak to family or friends

In Prison:
Expenses are paid by taxpayers and work is not required

At Work:
You pay to go to work and you get to deduct expenses
on your taxes to pay for prisoners

In Prison:
You look through the bars, hoping to get out

At Work:
You want to get out so you can go inside the bars

In Prison:
The wardens who are often called sadistic

At Work:
The wardens are called managers

An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven. Not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.



The attorney immediately advised St. Peter that he intended to appeal. The attorney was immediately informed that it would be at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, however his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by Satan, who told him that he would be able to arrange his appeal to be heard in just a few days, but only if the attorney stipulated to change the venue to Hell.



When the attorney inquired as to why appeals could be heard so much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed, Who do you think has all of the judges!