A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
Sir, what are you yelling about? Youre scaring the customers.
I was just trying to get attention through shocking others. Im sorry, I think Ill go home and rethink whats important in my life. Pardon my childishness.
The barmaid granted that pardon and she went back to work.
gavinfx@yahoo.com
24
May
24
May
Three men were trying to rob a bank, when they were shot and killed.
God comes down to them and said, I will give all three of you the chance to live, and you get one final chance to steal something.
The men all agreed. They were willing to do anything to live.
God says to them, Go to the fruit market down the street and steal three fruit of any kind. Then come back here and I will tell you what to do.
The first man came back, carrying 3 cherries. God says to him, If you can put all 3 cherries up your butt without making a face, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell.
The man puts 2 cherries up his butt, but as he is sticking the third one inside he makes a grunting face. God snaps his fingers and sends the man to hell.
The second man came back carrying three apples. God says to him, If you can stick all three of those apples up your butt, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell.
So the man sticks 2 apples up his butt. But when he puts the third one inside, he starts laughing hysterically.
God says to him, You have made a face, and now you will go to hell, but Im curious…why did you start laughing?
And the man said then, Cuz Larry is coming back, and he stole 3 watermelons.
24
May
Q: Whats so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know shell swallow.
Q: Why dont they teach drivers education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They dont want to wear out the camel.
Q: Whats the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: What do you get if you cross a Hells Angel with a Jehovahs Witness?
A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!
Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.
Q: Whats the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.
Q: Whats the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.
Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows shes given her last blow job.
Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
A: The woman who can eat the last two donuts.
Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.
Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: Its cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.
Q. Whats the definition of Trust? A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.
Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass? A. Pleasing!
Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies? A. Bingo!
Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jacksons ranch know when it is bedtime? A. When the big hand touches the little hand…
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When hes got his head up a fairys skirt, then hes a goblin.
Q. Whats the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a quickie, only you do it yourself.
Q: Whats a Japanese girls favorite holiday?
A: Erection day.
Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongues still in the envelope.
Q: Whats the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years the job still sucks.
Q: Which of the following doesnt belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just cant beat a blow job.
24
May
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Two wrongs not make a right – Three lefts do.
Passionate kiss like spiders web – soon lead to undoing of fly.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
War doesnt determine whos right. War determines whos left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!
Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!
Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.
He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
24
May
Q: What is Iraqs national bird?
A: Duck! ——————— Q: How many Newfies does it take to change a flat tire?
A: Five. One to seal the inner tube and four to club the seal. ——————— Q: What is the definition of mass confusion ?
A: Fathers day in Harlem! ——————— Did you hear about the Indian who couldnt tell heads from tails? You should have seen the scalps he took! ——————— A Mexican tried to get into the United States. He was stopped at the border and questioned as to why he wanted in this country and how long he would stay.
He told them that he wanted to live there and become a citizen. The officer said, Okay, if you use yellow, pink, and green in a sentence, I will let you in.
The Mexican thought and thought. He finally said, The telephano goes green, green, green. So I pink it up and say YELLOW! ——————— This guy gets a map of Canada tattooed on his butt. The only trouble is that every time he takes a dump, Quebec separates. ——————— An American walking through the streets of London, passed under Canary Wharf (Londons biggest building). As he stood there looking up, a kid joined him.
After a while, the American turned to the kid and said, Do you realize, son,that we have buildings like that in the States, only theyre three times the size?
Im not surprised, said the kid. Thats a Lunatic Asylum! ——————— A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and is told by the maitred that there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. So he goes and has a seat at the bar.
The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent, What you dlink?
The man replies, Give me a Stoli with a twist.
The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, Once upon time were *twee* little pigs…
23
May
QUALITY ASSURANCE
SPECIFICATION WAP-007
PAGE 1 OF 1
REVISION 0
23
May
I was twelve before I realized I could cough without having a doctor hold my balls!
22
May
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See Magician.
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isnt coming out anytime soon.
22
May
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, Im done for.
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: No youre NOT! Pick up that stone in front of you and hit the chief on the head!
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to kill the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: Okay… NOW youre done for!
22
May
Dos amigos estaban charlando en un bar: Pues estoy preocupado, porque últimamente mi mujer no pone ningún interés cuando hacemos el amor y no se queda satisfecha.
Bah, no te preocupes, eso es por la rutina. A mà me pasaba lo mismo hasta que descubrà una solución. Mira, cuando noto que esta perdiendo interés, lo que hago es sacar una pistola de agua y pegarle un tiro en la cara, y con la impresión del susto se vuelve a excitar y todo va perfecto.
¿Deveras? Pues voy a probarlo.
Al cabo de unos dÃas vuelven a verse: Hombre, ¿cómo te ha ido con tu esposa?
No me hables. Resulta que estabamos haciendo un 69 cuando note que estaba cansándose, asà que saqué la pistola y la disparé. Se cagó en mi cara, me arrancó el pito de un mordisco, y de un armario salió un negro con las manos en alto.