Old and New Jokes

A collision at sea can ruin your entire day.

Note: This is an extract of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: Were going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

INTERVIEWER: Shooting! thats a bit irresponsible, isnt it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I dont see why, theyll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

INTERVIEWER: Dont you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I dont see how, ….we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

INTERVIEWER: But youre equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, youre equipped to be a prostitute, but youre not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Q: What do you get when you cross a mafia lieutenant and a performance artist?

A: Someone who makes you an offer you cant understand.

Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date?

A guy dies and goes to heaven. Its a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says Im not very busy today, why dont you let me show you around?



The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.



The guy asks, Whats up with these clocks?



St. Peter explains, Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.



The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?



St. Peter explains, Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.



This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, Whats the story with that clock?



Oh, that, St. Peter replies, Thats OJ Simpsons clock. We decided to use it as a fan!

What did one casket say to the other ?



Was that you coffin?

A young man walks into a bar in Alaska. After many drinks, he announces to the whole bar that he is proud to be a new Alaskan. One of the old timers at the bar laughs at him and asks him if he has gone through the

Ritual yet. The lad asks what the ritual entails. The old timer says,Well, to be an Alaskan, you have to kill a Polar Bear and fuck an Eskimo. The young man says that he hasnt done either yet, so he and the old timer continue to drink heavily together and the old timer answers his questions about the Ritual. The young man stands up and wobbles out of the bar drunk as can be.





About four hours later, he struggles back into the bar, all scratched and cut up. He summons all of this strength and shouts out Where is this damn Eskimo I have to kill?!

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

In the USA, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited. In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.In Switzerland, everything that is not prohibited by law is obligatory.

See Rabbi Schwartz, Father Flanagan, and Master Yogi in a theological grudge match in the Steel Confessional of Death in Biblemania XIV!
That John 3:16 guy at the football game is now holding a sign saying Channel 5, right now!
The Weather Channel broadcasting 24-hour a day Ark Advisory.
Bearded guy in the window outside The Today Show keeps sending telepathic messages.
NBC starts plugging THOU SHALT SEE TV
That older gentleman announcing the new Fig Leaf Policy on the Playboy channel aint Hef.
At last, somebody smote those idiotic Mentos commercials!!
Guest on Entertainment Tonight squashes James Cameron like a bug, raises arms and exclaims, No, *Im* the king of the world!
MTVs Vatican Spring Break 98
Maximum possible Jeopardy score: $783,200. Contestant who looks like George Burns: $700,000 and climbing.
Flurry of white people sighted on UPN and WB networks.
Jerry Springer only gets out the words Today our topic is… before he bursts into flames.
For sixth straight day, Kenny G. live from Branson cancelled due to technical difficulties.
When Oprah says My next guest wrote his bestselling book thousands of years ago, and he hasnt been seen in public since, she aint talking about Salinger!
Your first two clues? Mohammed as sidekick and Buddha as bandleader.

and the Number 1 Sign God is Appearing on Your TV…

Normally standoffish Amish family from down the street drops by with a bundt cake and a bottle of Amaretto.

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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Ruminations & Ponderances

I once thought that if I had all the money in the world, I would give some to my friends, but that would be pretty stupid, because then I wouldnt have all the money in the world anymore.

(Thanks to Sheryl Adsit)