Old and New Jokes

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a

pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall

the events of  the preceding evening.  After a trip to the

bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where  his wife put some

coffee in front of him.

Louise, he moaned, tell me what happened last night. Was it

as bad as I think?

Even worse, she said, her voice oozing scorn. You made a

complete ass of  yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the

entire board of directors and  you  insulted the president of

the company, right to his face.

Hes an idiot, Bob said. Piss on him!  You did, came the

reply. And he fired you.

Well, screw him! said Bob. I did. Youre back at work on

Monday.

There are four ages of men.

When you believe in Santa Claus.
When you dont believe in Santa Claus.
When you are Santa Claus.
When you look like Santa Claus.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Willie!
Willie who?
Willie be home for dinner!

Una monja que llevaba varios días con hipo, va al médico para que le solucione el problema. El galeno, luego de examinarla le dice a la monja:

Hermana, lo que usted tiene es que esta embarazada.

La monjita, horrorizada, sale despavorida del consultorio y a la hora el médico recibe una llamada de la madre superiora del convento:

Oiga Doctor, ¿que es lo que usted le ha dicho a Sor Gertrudis?

Bueno madre superiora, solo le quise dar un susto para que se le quite el hipo… y se le quitó verdad?

La madre superiora le responde:

Sí, a la hermana Gertrudis se le ha quitado el hipo… ¡pero el padre Miguel se acaba de lanzar desde el campanario!

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian. Prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.



Finally one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian Im bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark – then I wouldnt have any worries about being eaten… As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hits the water and lo and behold, Justin turns into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swims away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.



Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them, Justin hardly realizing that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.



During the next tropical storm, Justin figures that the same lightening force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning strikes the water next to Justin and lo and behold, he turns back into a prawn.



With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swims back to his friends and buys them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he looks for his old pal. Wheres Christian? he asked. Hes at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark came the reply.



Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he sets off to Christians house. As he opens the coral gate, the memories come flooding back. He bangs on the door and shouts Its me. Justin – your old friend. Come out and see me again



Christian replies, No way, man. Youll eat me. Youre a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked.



Justin cries back No Im not. That was the old me. Ive changed Im a prawn again, Christian!

You know your a redneck if you go shopping for your mother, sister and aunt and only buy one gift.

One day a man went into the dentists to get a tooth pulled. When the dentist told him he needed to give him some anesthetic he refused. The dentist told him this again and he refused sayingI have experienced the 2 worst pains in the world I dont need anesthetic. So the dentist pulled the tooth and the guy just sat there and didnt even flinch. When this was done the dentist says to the man What were those pains ?. The guy saysthe first when happened while i was out hunting, I squated down to take a shit and got my balls caught in a bear trap.The dentist asks him what the second one was and the guy says when I reached the end of the Chain

A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.

A patient says to his doctor, Hey, Doc! Ive been getting these migraines for a long time now! I cant think straight! I need help!.

Doctor says to patient, You know what? I used to have the same problem, and whenever I do get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favourite meal, rubs my toes, kiss my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!

…next day…

patient says, Hey doc! Thanks for ur advice. It worked!.

Doctor says, Oh really? Thats good to hear!.

Oh by the way, Patient says, Youve got a great house!

Theres a new book out called The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said, by Ross and Kathryn Petras; Doubleday ($8.99).

Some highlights:

I want to gain 1,500 or 2,000 yards, whichever comes first.

– George Rogers, New Orleans Saints running back.

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change.

– Vice President Dan Quayle

I must have had ambrosia.

– Milwaukee Brewers Jim Gantner, explaining why he forgot to appear on a talk show.

Were finally going to wrassle to the ground this giant orgasm that is just out of control.

– Arizona Sen. Dennis DeConcini, on a balanced-budget amendment.

You got to be careful if you dont know where youre going, because you might not get there.

– Yogi Berra

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.

– President Gerald Ford

Smoking kills. If youre killed, youve lost a very important part of your life.

– Brooke Shields

Youve got to take the bull by the teeth.

– Movie mogul Sam Goldwyn