Old and New Jokes

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your Mom.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a mens rest room?

A: Say, Nice dick.

Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?

A: An itchy, twitchy twat.

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?

A: Only if they dont work.

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: If we dont get some support soon, people are going to think were nuts!

Q: Why dont bunnies make noise when they make love?

A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: Moms have Mothers Day, Fathers have Fathers Day. What do single guys have?

A: Palm Sunday

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?

A: Miracle Whip.

Hey, some real comics over there in S. Korea. John Joss just bought a
sportshirt made by a Korean firm called Heet, with these instructions:

For best results, wash in cold water separately, hang-dry
and iron with warm iron. For not so good results, drag
behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roof rack.

(from Herb Caens column in San Francisco Chronicle of February 3, 1989)

Shlomo wants to buy a parrot and goes to a pet shop to see what they have.


The assistant shows him a parrot and explains that this one is really quite special – it can speak most languages. So Shlomo decides to test this out.


Do you speak English? asks Shlomo.


Yes, replied the parrot.


Hablas Espanol? asks Shlomo.


Si, replied the parrot.


Parlez vouz Francais? asks Shlomo.


Oui, replied the parrot.


Sprechen sie Deutsch? asks Shlomo.


Ja, replied the parrot.


Shlomo pauses for a while, then


asks the parrot, Do you speak Yiddish?


The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says, Nu? Vis a nose like dis,


vot you tink?

One can pity the father with three kids in college. He tells his wife that they are getting poorer by degrees.

A few days ago, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because were leaving.

The mother went into the living room and told her son, We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language.

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!

Q: Did you hear about the wonderful practical joke that was played on the Scottish?

A: Apparantly, someone gave the kilt-wearing fools a few sets of bagpipes, and told them that they were musical instruments.

El cura del pueblo dormía plácidamente en su cama a las cuatro de la mañana cuando le despiertan una serie de golpes en la puerta de su casa. Alarmado, se asoma al balcón y ve como un joven golpea desesperado la puerta.

Hijo mio, ¿qué te ocurre?

¡Confesión, Padre, necesito confesión!

Pero hijo mio, son las cuatro de la mañana, ¿no puedes esperar a que abra la sacristía a las ocho?

¡No, padre, no, he pecado mucho, he cometido todos los pecados, necesito una confesión urgente!

Pero hijo mío, es que estoy rendido, ¿porque no…?

¡Padre, Padre, que he hecho de todo, todos los pecados, que tiene que ser ahora mismo, padre!

(…Y asi media hora dándole la tabarra, dale que te pego, que todos los pecados, total el cura ya harto y somnoliento…)

Pero, vamos a ver, tu de verdad que has cometido todos los pecados?

¡Si, si, todos, todos!

Y así, ¿te habran dado por el culo, no?

¡Padre! No, eso no.

¡Pues anda a que te den por el culo y vuelve a las ocho, mamón!

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasnt feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me. She didnt even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I thought, Well, thats wives for you. The children will remember. The children came down to breakfast and didnt say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday. I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, lets go to lunch, just you and me. I said, By George, thats the greatest thing Ive heard all day. Lets go.

We went to lunch. We didnt go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it is such a beautiful day, we dont need to go back to the office, do we? I said, No, I guess not. She said, Lets go to my apartment.

After arriving at her apartment she said, Boss, if you dont mind, I think Ill go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday…….and there I sat on the couch…….naked.

Letting her keep him.

Do you know why woman dont fart?

Because they cant keep their mouths closed long enough to build up any pressure.