A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:Officer: Whats 2 + 2?Blonde: Ummm… 4!Officer: Whats the square root of 100?Blonde: Ummm… 10!Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?Blonde: Ummm… I dunno.Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.The blonde replies excitedly, Not only did I get the job, Im already working on a murder case!
31
Dec
31
Dec
Q: How many Spice Girls does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: They cant sing, they cant dance and they look awful. What makes you think they can change a light bulb?
31
Dec
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.
On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wifes love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.
Then next, maam, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut. The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news. I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us.
Well, all right, the doctor said. On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios. . .
31
Dec
A young man (YM) is on a date with a young woman (YW) and they go
parking. After some heavy petting the YM asks the YW for oral
sex. No, says the YW, you wont respect me. So the YM is content
to wait. After they had been dating a few months, the YM again
asks the YW for oral sex. Again the reply, No, you wont respect me.
Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride
Honey, please, were married now. You know I love you and respect
you. Can we please have oral sex? No, she says, I just know
that if I do that you wont respect me. So the man waits…
and waits… and waits….
After 20 years of marriage the man says, Honey, weve been together
20 wonderful years now. Weve raised three beautiful kids. You
KNOW that I love you and respect you completely. How about
oral sex, just once ???? Please ?????? and the wife finally
gives in to her husbands wish and performs oral sex on him.
After she is done they are lying in bed relaxing and the
telephone rings. The husband turns to his wife and says,
Answer that you cocksucker.
31
Dec
A: Lipstick.
31
Dec
So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?
The guy says, Buddy, Im six feet, 210 pounds, an ma names Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That theres Bubba. Hes 225 pounds of solid muscle and hes a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mikes a trucker who weighs 295 and hes a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?
The fella says, Naw, youre right. . . Id hate to have to explain it three times!
30
Dec
Did You her Bill Cliton tried to kill himself? Yea he try to O.D. on Viagra and beat himself to death!
30
Dec
I was watching a documentary on Aleut life yesterday.
The father of the family was telling his clan that the Aleuts were generally very slow to accept modern technology. In fact they suspected it a great deal.
One pregnant woman complained to the doctor that a stuck phonograph record had affected her unborn child.
Nonsense, said the doctor, I dont see how it could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother.
29
Dec
One day Ma and pa were sitting on the porch, when Pa said to Ma juniors 21 years old now It’s about time we teach him about sex.
Ma said ya know pa your right.
So pa said to junior hey junior come on out to the porch for a second.
so junior came on out to the porch, Junior says ya pa whatcha want.
Pa said junior it’s about time we teach you about sex.
Junior said sex whats sex.
Pa turned to ma and told her to take off her clothes, so ma does, and she does a spread eagle right there on the porch.
Pa says to junior see that hole in ma? watch this. So pa starts going at it with ma.
In the mean time juniors brother comes out to the porch, he’s 18 and says, Junior whats ma and pa doing.
Junior says their teaching me about sex.
Junior’s brother says sex whats sex.
Junior says see that hole in pa watch this.Red
29
Dec
Q: What do you call a bunch of gay guys standing on line?
A: Fruit by the foot.