Old and New Jokes

The Sixties, yes, the Sixties. Time of hope, time of rebellion, time for planning new ways to do things, ways that could not be any worse that what was being done at that time. In contrast to most of the other movements of the time, one very active group combined militant vegetarianism
(not so uncommon) with militant prohibitionism (very uncommon). They believed, in fact, that the first would automatically lead to perfect health. Eat only vegetables, love one another, and the desire and drive to consume Demon Rum would just pass away. They believed that: Peas would rule the planets, and love would clear the bars. It was the dawning of the age of asparagus

Seen on CNN this morning:

A student at the National Spelling Bee had been given a particularly
difficult word to spell. Apparently having some trouble knowing
how to start, the student asked if he could buy a vowel.

Llega un señor a un restaurante y pide una sopa de fideos, al empezar a comerse su sopa se da cuenta que dentro de la sopa hay pelos, trozos de uñas y otras porquerías, por lo que se molesta y le dice al mesonero:

Usted no sabe quien soy yo, yo soy un inspector de sanidad y este lugar es una porquería, así que lleveme a la cocina.

Al entrar en la cocina se encuentra a un gordo todo sucio, cochino haciendo arepas. El gordo agarraba la masa, la hacía una bolita y se la metía en la axila para poder darle la forma redonda, por lo que el inspector le dice:

Usted esta loco, cómo se atreve a hacer semejante cochinada, eso es insalubre voy a hacer que cierren este restaurante.

Y el gordo responde:

Y eso que todavía no ha visto como es que hago las donas…

When Chelsea Clinton was young she walked in on her mom getting out of the
shower. Pointing to her chest she asked her What are those?

Hiliarys response was Oh honey, those are my breasts.

Chelsea asked Will I get breasts?

Yes, when youre older. said Hillary.

A day or two later Chelsea walked in on her dad getting out of the shower.
Pointing towards his penis, she asked Whats that?

Bill responded Oh honey, thats my penis.

Chelsea asked Will I get a penis?

Bill responded, Yes, when your mother leaves.

Dear Mr. Abby:Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should-he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, Say, Father, what causes arthritis?

Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.

Well, Ill be damned, the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. Im very sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

I dont have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

There was a new girl in school, when asked her name, she replied Happy-Butt. When hearing this, the teacher said, Go straight to the principal young lady. At that, she went to the principal.

He asked her why she was in the office, and she said The teacher sent me hear so you can find out my real name. He said well, what is your name? she said My name is Happy-Butt He said Thats not a name, Im looking it up in the computer RIGHT NOW!

So he looks in the computer, and he says it lists here that your name is Gladys. She said Exactly, Happy-Butt, Glad-Ass… SAME THING!

The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers…

The questions are:

1.

What are you thinking about?

2.

Do you love me?

3.

Do I look fat?

4.

Do you think she is prettier than me?

5.

What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you. This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!)

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: YES! or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, Yes, dear. Inappropriate responses include: A. I suppose so. B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? C. That depends on what you mean by love. D. Does it matter? E. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: Of course not! Among the incorrect answers are: A. Compared to what? B. I wouldnt call you fat, but youre not exactly thin. C. A little extra weight looks good on you. D. Ive seen fatter. E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think shes prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: Of course not! Incorrect responses include: A. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is Buy a Corvette.) No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again? Man: Definitely not! W: Why not, dont you like being married? M: Of course I do. W: Then why wouldnt you remarry? M: Okay, Id get married again. W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) M: Yes, I would. W: Would you sleep with her in our bed? M: Where else would we sleep? W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? M: That would seem like the proper thing to do. W: And would you let her use my golf clubs? M: Of course not, Dear. Shes left-handed.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

Este es Jaimito que llega a casa y su madre le dice:

Jaimito, vete a por pegamento.

Jaimito la dice que no va a ir.

Su madre cabreada le dice:

Vete a por pegamento o te pego.

Y Jaimito la contesta:

¿Cómo me vas a pegar si no he ido a por el pegamento?