A red-head, a brunette, and a blonde went on a trip to the desert.
They each brought one item for survival.
The red-head brought water. The blonde asked, Why? The red-head
replied, To prevent us from dying of thirst.
The brunette brought food. The blonde asked, Why? The brunette
replied, To prevent us from dying of hunger.
The blonde brought a car door. The red-head and brunette asked,
Why? The blonde replied, To roll down the window if it gets hot.
A salsman receved a call from his boss informing him he had an appontment with a competitor 150 miles away, and he only had two and a half hours to get there, and that he would be there for three days. his wife was always complaning that he never took her with him, so he calld and told her to pack a bag and be ready he would be there in ten minutes to pick her up he had no time to wast so to meet him at the curb,he stopped she jumped in off thay went, therty minutes down the road she told him she had to stop some where that she had diarrhea and had to stop, but I cant stop I cant be late, so thay rode a while longer once agan she said I have to go now so he told her to roll down the window and to stick her butt out the window he could not stop for eaney thing after a minute or two she dropet her paints and stuck her butt out the window just as she let go there was two hitch hickers beside the road SPLAT first hitch hicker wiping his face off, said wow what awful smelling tobaco, second hitch hicker wiping his face said ya and did you see the Jaws on that Berded Basterd when He spit?
The following information, from credible sources, is intelligence on
the latest viruses sweeping across the information superhighways in
2002. Take extreme caution and be on high virus alert at all times!
The George W. Bush Virus
Causes your computer to think it won the election even though the
motherboard and fatherboard bought it.
The Al Gore Virus
Causes your computer to just keep counting.
The Clinton Virus
Gives you a 7-Inch hard drive with no memory.
The Bob Dole (Aka: Viagra) Virus
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The Lewinsky Virus
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails your best
friends about what it did.
The Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
The Jesse Jackson Virus
Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while
illegitimately reproducing files in the background and rhyming it all.
The Mike Tyson Virus
Quits after two bytes.
The Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to
restabilize around 200.
The Jack Kevorkian Virus
Deletes all old files.
The Prozac Virus
Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesnt care.
The Joey Buttafuoco Virus
Only attacks minor files.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back and last but not
least.
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it
through Windows.
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was very proud, and he anxiously awaited her verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my coffee?
Her grandson replied, You know grandma, its like on TV…The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Mark Twain
Doughnuts.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaohs daughter went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson brought the house down.
Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel and the prodigal son came in last.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were definitely put out.
Q. What is one of the first things Adam and Eve did after they were kicked but?
A. They raised a little Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children to explain why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.
Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most proficient lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses broke all ten commandments at once.
Q. Where is the first tennis match in the Bible?
A. Joseph served in Pharaohs court.
Q. Where is the first recorded Biblical case of constipation?
A. In Kings where it says that David sat on the throne for forty years.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua was the son of Nun.
Q. Why didnt Noah go fishing?
A. He only had two worms!
Q. How do we know they didnt play cards in the ark?
A. Because Noah sat on the deck.
A gentile once wandered into a Jewish restaurant and ordered roast chicken.
The waiter said, Take my advice and have the boiled beef today.
No thank you. I want the roast chicken
Listen to me. The roast chicken is not for you. Have the boiled beef
What is this? Dont you suppose I know what I want? Bring me the roast chicken at once! The diner was getting mad.
I will not do that. I know better than you what you want.
Look, said the diner striking the table a resounding blow, get me the manager!
The manager drawn by the noise, came bustling over. What the hell is going on here?
The waiter turned to him and said, Listen. This guy didnt come here to eat. He came here to give me an arguement.
From Asimov Laughs Again, an absolutely wonderful book full of jokes and anecdotes from the Good Doctor.
Q. Whats the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Theyve been having turkey for years.