Old and New Jokes

1) How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
You open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
2) How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
You open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

3) The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?
The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.

4) There is a river you must cross. But it is filled with crocodiles. How do you manage it?
You swim across — all the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.

Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!

An Alien walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and pokes him in the shoulder, all the while making a noise like Meeeeeeep. The bartender looks at him and is really weirded out.



He turns around and the alien pokes him in the shoulder again and says Meeeeeeep The bartender is really pissed now and says to the Alien, Dude, next time you do that, Im gonna take you outside and rip your dick off!



The alien obiously doesnt understand and pokes the bartender again and says Meeeeeeeep. The bartender is so pissed, that he picks him up by the collar of his space suit and draggs him outside to the empty lot and jerks down the Aliens pants.



But, the Alien doesnt have human anatomy and has nothing there to rip off. The bartender is so surprised that he asks, Well, if you dont have a dick, how do you have sex? The alien just looks at him, pokes him in the shoulder and says Meeeeeeep

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. — Agatha Christie

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open. He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!

Manchester scientists have invented a plastic bag which
biodegrades when exposed to sunlight. Unfortunately
this means that in Manchester they are expected to
survive longer than ordinary plastic bags.

The food at the school cafeteria isnt awful. Its digestively challenged.

No one fails a class anymore, hes merely passing impaired.

You dont have detention, youre just one of the exit delayed.

These days, a student isnt lazy. Hes energetically declined.

Your locker isnt overflowing with junk, its just closure prohibitive.

Your homework isnt missing, its just having an out-of- notebook experience.

Youre not sleeping in class, youre rationing consciousness.

You dont have smelly gym socks, you have odor-retentive athletic footwear.

You werent passing notes in class. You were participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.

Youre not being sent to the principals office. Youre going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.

The US is full of small towns. For those never having traveled to or lived in one, the following will illustrate pretty much what lifes like there.



My hometown was so small…



* the clinic was called Joes Hospital and Grill



* long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy



* the town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight



* in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened



* instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols



* you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter



* during snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter



* the local Motel 6 sleeps six



* during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner



* the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages



* the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council & street sweeper



* we had no porn movie house; once a week someone left the shades up



* the municipal water systems pump was supplied by Water Pik



* before you visited, you could look out a window & see who was home



* there was no town idiot — everybody had to take turns

Im not mad about my keys… I lost my bottle opener.

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I cant figure out how to start it.
Her friend asks What is it a puzzle of? The blonde says From the picture on the box, its a tiger. The blondes friend figures that hes pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says: First, no matter what I do, Im not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, Id advise you to relax and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.