Old and New Jokes

A hospital patient, recovering from minor surgery, was being given an alcohol rubdown by two of the hospitals more attractive nurses.

While manipulating the mans body they noted that the word tiny was tattooed on the head of his penis.

Some months after the mans discharge, Mary, one of the nurses, tod Joan, the other, that she had dated their former patient.

How could you go out with a man that had tiny tattooed on his love stick? exclaimed Joan.

How could I indeed! said Mary. It said tiny when it was soft, but when aroused, it spelled:

Tinys Delicatessen & Catering Service. We deliver at all times, twenty-four hours a day!!!

A wise man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, God, what does a million years mean to you?

The Lord replies, A minute.

The wise man asks, And what does a million dollars mean to you?

The Lord replies, A penny.

The wise man asks, Can I have a penny?

The Lord replies, In a minute.

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said its no good trying to outrun it, its catching up. The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to out run you!

If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas…
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

Wifespeak/Translation

You want: You want

We need: I want

Its your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want: Youll pay for this later

We need to talk: I need to complain

Sure…go ahead: I dont want you to.

Im not upset: Of course Im upset, you moron.

Youre so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

Youre certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?

Im not emotional! And Im not over reacting!: Im on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights.: I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house.

I want new curtains: and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper….

I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there: No, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me?: Im going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me?: I did something today youre really not going to like.

Ill be ready in a minute: Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat?: Tell me Im beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate: Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!?: [Too late, your dead.]

Yes: No

No: No

Maybe: No

Im sorry: Youll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe?: Its easy to fix, so youd better get used to it.

Was that the baby?: Why dont you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

Im not yelling!: Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All were going to buy is a soap dish: It goes without saying that were stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at few new pocketbooks, and, oh my god,theres a sale in lingerie, and wouldnt these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

In answer to the question Whats wrong?

The same old thing.: Nothing.

Nothing.: Everything.

Everything: My PMS is acting up.

Nothing, really.: Its just that youre such an asshole..

I dont want to talk about it.: Go away, Im still building up steam.

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.2. While hes in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.3. Leave him a note, explaining that youve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.4. While hes in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say, We hate Christmas, and Go away Santa.7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.9. While hes in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldnt have missed that last payment, and take off.10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, For The Tooth Fairy. 🙂 Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, For Santa.11. Take everything out of your house as if its just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.13. While hes in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santas sure to see them. Go outside, yell, Ooh! Look! A deer! And hes got a red nose! Then fire a gun.15. Leave Santa

An ant is walking through the woods and comes upon a huge hole. At the bottom
of the hole is an elephant trying desperately to get out. Being
a compassionate sort, the ant calls down Say, Mr. Elephant, would you like some
help? The elephant, unable to get out by himself, quickly agrees. So the ant
backs his Mercedes up to the hole and throws a rope to the elephant. When everything
is tied off the ant jumps in the car and pulls the elephant out. The elephant
is very grateful and offers to return the favor some time.

Sure enough, a short time later the ant, stuck in a hole, sees the elephant
stroll by. He calls out for help to the elephant. We all know elephants
never forget, so Mr Elephant is more than happy to help the ant. He stands
over the hole and lowers his dick to the bottom. The ant walks right up the
giant penis and out of the hole. The ant thanks the elephant and the two
continue about their business.

The moral of the story is, If youve got a big dick, you dont need a Mercedes!

A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever, but she was going to a fancy dinner party that night and she figured she would need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the evening. She didnt have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra.Halfway through the night, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed that everyone at the table was looking at her.What on earth are you doing? asked one of her colleagues.She replied I could have sworn I had two when we arrived!

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him asked: Why are you laughing?

I was thinking about my own funeral the man replied.

Whats so funny about that?

Im a gynecologist.